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When a baby dies

Photo of Michelle Every, Michelle smiling. She is standing with moorland behind her. her long hair down to her shoulders. She's wearing a teal padded jacket.

By Michelle Every

What do you say when someone – a doula client, a friend, a relative – tells you that they have experienced a miscarriage or stillbirth? Michelle Every offers some support, information and signposts.

When I trained to be a doula in 2007 I was astonished and saddened that supporting baby loss was not mentioned on my course. Then as I gained experience and connected deeper into the doula community I noticed that loss was not something that I saw being discussed. 

In 2014 I felt a strong conviction to change this so I created the Supporting Every Birth workshop. I wanted to create a safe space to explore loss with a focus on self-reflection and group participation and give time to consider where we are with our own grief being curious and honest with ourselves around our own views and opinions on loss

When talking to doulas about baby loss the two phrases I most often hear are “But what will I say?” or “I worry I will say the wrong thing.”

There is fear around the power of language.

What we do or do not say is not just relevant to supporting loss or supporting clients. It is relevant in every exchange we make in our everyday life. How we respond to what we hear can have a significant impact on the person sharing. Have we heard them or are we focusing too much on our own answers or our own story? How can we offer space, actively listen and resist the need to fix?

When I am considering my choice of words I keep the Nurturing Birth values of respect and compassion at the forefront of my mind. These values lay a great foundation when considering language, can shape my conversations and prevent me from saying something in anger or frustration.

Is what I am about to say respectful and compassionate?

Coming back to supporting loss, what do you say to someone who has discovered their baby has died during pregnancy? Or what can you say at a labour when the baby is born not breathing and has died?

I volunteered for the Miscarriage Association for fifteen years. When I answered the phone and listened to people share their own stories of loss I would hear how the countless times their family, colleagues and friends had said unhelpful things such as “Everything happens for a reason” or “Just move on.”

From my experience of facilitating loss support groups I am aware how a spoken phrase can bring much comfort to one person only to upset another. No one way works for all. It is good to remember that grief is a natural, unique and personal response to losing something important to us. As doulas we want to validate this uniqueness while acknowledging the challenge that this can bring to us personally. We are required to offer support in the moment and respond to what we see and hear rather than having a pre-planned and prepared response. 

Maybe we are beginning from the wrong place. Instead of starting at what we will or will not say it might be helpful to start with what can we be. How can we be our most authentic self and respond to the needs of the family we support? 

On the Nurturing Birth doula courses and within mentoring we talk about being rather than doing. Our skills are listening, holding space, being client led, responding to needs in the moment. We go to births with no guarantees or certainty and yet we go with confidence that our presence and commitment to the family will make a significant difference 

Is this any different when the baby does not survive?

We can create the same environment, listen with the same focus and respond in the same way. 

To be honest, and to give a little away from my workshop, not much changes in the support we offer in loss compared to supporting clients with live babies.

We simply doula.

The Miscarriage Association has created some excellent resources which come from supporting loss for many years, including this video -when you do not know what to say, simply say “I am sorry.”

How do you feel about supporting families through baby loss? Do you have concerns on what to say? I would love to welcome you on to the Supporting Every Birth workshop to explore the topic more. My desire is that every doula feels able to step into this role and offer support.

If you would like to talk to me more about the Supporting Every Birth workshop please get in touch – michelle@nurturingbirth.co.uk

My Journey as a new Doula, through 2020!

By Helena Whitwell

The past year for me, has really seen a new phase of my entry into the Doula world. It has included many moments of uncertainty, self-doubt, huge excitement, and anticipation. It’s amazing to look back on my doula journey and reflect on what has happened!

I absolutely loved my Nurturing Birth doula training, which I completed in 2019. Then began the next phase, where I began to ask questions like ‘When is the right time to start doulaing?’ ‘How do I stop my current job and start doulaing?’ It all felt like a waiting game, with so many things to consider such as my income and the needs of my children.

In March 2020 (eek- doesn’t that month ring alarm bells!!) I had arranged with my employers to reduce my part-time admin job hours and make space in my week to start investing in my doula work. I began using my few extra hours a week to network, start an Instagram account, and find opportunities of local groups to attend. I was daunted, had a lot of self-doubt, and just really wasn’t sure how to get myself known out there! How on earth would I get my first client??

Then of course, that very month, the world changed, schools closed and suddenly I had two children (8 and 5) at home 24/7. This was most definitely not in the business plan!

Fortunately, I was able to maintain my part time job flexibly from home, as well as try and entertain/home school my children. But that’s a whole other story! For the purposes of this blog my dreams of being a doula went back on hold.

PREGNANCY PRAYER

A few friends from my church were pregnant at the start of 2020, and I wanted to do what I could to support them in their pregnancies, help them as they prepared for their births and also encourage them to connect with God too. Before lockdown I hosted an evening for this group to chat, share anxieties, pray for each other and their babies too. They all said they found it really helpful, and wanted to do more of it.

When lockdown began, I decided to try leading them in some reflective prayer sessions over Zoom! Initially this was for a couple of friends, just before their births. I got them to prepare a comfy corner (candles, blankets, fairy lights all encouraged!) where they felt safe and could relax, and then led them through a guided meditation-type prayer. It included questions or ideas to talk to God about, and helping them to hand over their anxieties and worries to Him.

After receiving positive feedback, and after a really helpful Nurturing Birth mentoring session with Michelle, who encouraged me to pursue this more, I decided to begin advertising a bit wider, to friends of friends and through local churches too. The sessions are now growing and it’s wonderful to be able to help people find some peace, quiet, and space to reflect in what can be both such a hopeful and also a scary time of pregnancy.

I now have a mailing list to keep everyone updated with the dates and Zoom codes, a discount offer to buy a journal from my friend’s stationery company, as well as other information about the services I am offering. This is such a valuable way to keep in touch with my ‘attendees’, and it’s wonderful to hear their baby news and how my sessions have helped. Just yesterday I got this message on Instagram:

‘Delighted to share that my daughter was born beautifully last week. The birth was calm, empowering and wonderful. She is doing really well, as are we.’

RETREATS

I have also started leading Zoom ‘Pregnancy Retreat’ mornings, which involve a smaller group coming together, sharing where they are at, praying for each other, having quiet space reflecting, some worship songs and a creative journaling session. I also show some video stories of women talking about their positive birth experiences in 2020, and how they ensured their faith was very much a part of their experience.

Although Covid has had such a negative impact on maternity services (and so many other things!) I find it is also worth noting the different opportunities that have opened up, for people to access things in new and different ways. Running a retreat on Zoom is certainly not something I would have thought of pre-2020, but a major benefit is that people can attend from the comfort of their own homes, without the need for travel logistics and expense. I have even had people attend the sessions from New Zealand and South Africa!

AND NOW…

Hosting the prayer sessions twice a month has given me an opportunity to put myself out there, introduce myself to women on their pregnancy journey, and become a potential, trusted person to support them further. I am so excited to have my first birth client booked in. I don’t think I will quite believe it, until I actually see that baby born, but I am so ready for my first ‘actual’ birth as a doula!

Although clearly my ‘niche’ is focused around my own Christian faith and those who I know in my church circles, I do hope and really believe that some of these ideas could benefit anyone (with faith or none) who is expecting a baby. The practice of *stopping* in our busy schedules, writing stuff down, thinking, reflecting and ‘letting go’ of worries and burdens is so beneficial. And in the age of mindfulness, self-care and developing healthy boundaries, I hope this is something that we as doulas can support, sign-post and encourage our clients in.

It’s amazing to see the array of online-accessible classes and meet-ups, which I am always keen to recommend to friends and clients, such as hypnobirthing, pregnancy journal sessions and much more. There is definitely something for everyone out there and we can see all these things as tools available to us and our clients. It’s amazing for women and their partners to access what they can to feel equipped, empowered and prepared not just for the birth, but for each step of their pregnancy and into parenthood too.

If anyone would like to find out more, or may like to collaborate in developing spaces or events online to benefit their clients in some way, please do get in touch with me, I would love to hear from you and see what other creative things we can explore.

Here is my Nurturing Birth Directory listing: https://nurturingbirthdirectory.com/doulas/united-kingdom/south-gloucestershire/bristol/helena-whitwell/

doula.helena@gmail.com    

Follow me on Instagram:  @doula_helena

Thanks for reading. I wish you all really well as we hop, skip and jump expectantly into the NEW Year!!

What experience do you need to be a doula?

Sophie Brigstocke photo

By Sophie Brigstocke

“What experience do I need to be a doula?” is one of the most common questions we are asked at Nurturing Birth.

“Do I need to have had children?” “Do I need to have a nursing or midwifery background?” “Do I need to have worked with families before?” “Do I need complementary skills/qualifications?” “Do I need to have experienced birth in a particular way?” “Do I need to have breastfed my babies?” “Do I need GCSE Maths?!”

The answer to all of those is no! Being a doula is not about the certificates you hold or whether you have been through pregnancy or childbirth yourself. Being a doula is about being with families as they navigate their journey into parenthood, and you can guarantee that someone else’s journey won’t be the same as yours. There may be parallels, you may see similarities, but what you experienced and felt won’t be the same.

Sometimes, and maybe this will surprise some, it is those who haven’t experienced pregnancy, birth and parenting who find it easiest to step in to the doula role. They aren’t having to process their own experiences in order to be clear to support others. They can be truly present as a doula without being hampered by the “I did it this way” thoughts. If we think about it, many obstetricians and midwives haven’t experienced birth – it doesn’t stop them being able to do their job competently and compassionately (in the majority of cases).

Unless you’ve spent your life in on a remote island with only trees for company, you are likely to have many of the necessary qualities to be a doula – an ability to relate to people, to listen, to nurture and care. What we are able to do on our doula training courses is help you to refine your natural doula qualities so that you go out in to the world full of compassion, with healthy boundaries, able to signpost and actively listen to your clients.

What more experience do you need to train to be a doula?

If you want to chat to us about becoming a doula then send us a message and we can call you back. We love to nurture doulas right from the start of the journey, so don’t hesitate to get in touch.

Trusting your instincts with Michelle Every

Photo of Michelle Every of Nurturing Birth doula training.

By Michelle Every,
Mentoring Coordinator and Supporting Every Birth facilitator

On the Nurturing Birth Doula course we talk about how to empower clients by creating a safe space for them to be able to let go of other people’s expectations and to listen to their own instincts on what feels right for them.

In reality, as I supported clients as a doula myself, I became aware of how often this concept of listening to ourselves was alien to them. They had read many books, and over the years as online support became more common, looked on the Internet and followed people on social media. But when asked the question “What feels right for you?” they were flummoxed. No-one had asked them this before. Some even said that they did not know that it was an option to have their own opinions on their own birth.

It was, and is, such a privilege and joy to journey alongside people and empower them to discover new tools and practices to uncover their instincts and desires.

Reflecting on my upbringing and childhood, I do not remember being asked to consider what I felt was right for me. I was taken to church. I was put in the nearest Infants School and then High School because I passed the 11-plus. We went on holidays that my parents chose (and I did love the swimming in the sea) and weekends were full of activities that I was taken along to. No-one asked how I felt or encouraged me to follow my own instincts.

And yet, even without this support my discernment grew – and maybe because of the lack of it in my childhood I became courageous in expressing it, and risked following it.

For example, when I was 20 I met 18 year old Iain and after hanging out for a day he asked me to marry him. And I said yes. This was certainly not the wisdom from my family or community, but I just knew what I knew. So we married a year later and we celebrate 30 years of marriage in 2021.

Trusting your instincts can bring joy for sure.

I could share so many stories of when Iain and I went against the flow and instead trusted our instincts and followed peace.

Helping others trust their instincts has become a passion for me. I delight in seeing people turning inward, creating space and silence to listen and then having the courage to trust what they feel and hear.

Having discernment certainly complements the work I do as a doula and mentor. Trusting my instincts has served me well.

I am aware that not everyone understands the phrase ‘trust your instincts’ and I find it hard to describe because for me it is a feeling in my soul rather than words in my head.

But I do know that it is something that can be practiced – like a muscle that stretches and grows in strength as we use it.

In discussions with clients, colleagues and friends I have discovered that some people are so busy, living with so much noise, that they do not know how to access their instincts. The idea of listening to the voice feels to some like stopping the fun. Others doubt their feelings can be trusted and fear the process of being still. And others have oodles of experience and practice of trusting their instincts and can access them at the drop of a hat.

As doulas we want our clients to trust their instincts. They have so many external voices advising them how to give birth, how to parent and what is best for them. What a gift we can give to create a space where they can sit still and listen to their own voice. We can encourage them to follow their own wisdom and heart’s desires. And yet, we are client led and if the client wants to follow what advice the midwife has given them, or what they have read we respect the decisions and support them equally to any other.

Many doulas are comfortable with empowering their clients and supporting them to trust their instincts, yet as a mentor what I see so often is doulas do not always create the same space for themselves.

How much time do we take to be still, to quieten our minds and listen to our inner voice? How often do we listen to our discernment when we are at interviews for potential new clients or interacting on social media?

I experience this knowing when I shut out external noise, opinions, advice and information. I can hear what feels right for me when I allow myself some space and silence. And I know it is my discernment and instinct when I am left with a deep sense of peace. 

You may find it helpful to ask yourself some of these questions:

– How often do you create space for yourself and how could you gift more time to yourself? 
– How do you still your mind and listen to what your heart’s desires are?  
– How do you make decisions and explore new opportunities? Do you tune into your discernment rather than looking outside yourself to external factors and influences? 
– What does it look like to you to be guided by inner peace? 

If you would like to explore some of these questions further why not sign up for one of our mentoring sessions? Email michelle@nurturingbirth.co.uk to find out more.

About Michelle Every
Michelle is an experienced birth and postnatal doula based in Greater Manchester, having trained with Nurturing Birth in 2007. She has been involved in mentoring across a wide range of communities particularly in areas of doulaing, parenting, relationships, marriage and life/work balance.

Michelle is the writer and facilitator of Supporting Every Birth an interactive workshop for birth workers looking at supporting both clients and themselves through all birth journeys including baby loss.

Michelle is married to Iain and they have three daughters and two sons.

Racism and the maternity world

This week we saw, yet again, that racism is alive and well in the world.  Many of us watched or heard of the senseless killing of a man at the hands of another.  It was shocking and deeply upsetting.  It was also not an isolated incident. 

How does this relate to doulas and maternity?  Sadly, far too closely.  In 2018 the MBRRACE report was released which showed that 5 times as many black women died in childbirth and the perinatal period as white women.  These statistics are current, not historical.  Something is seriously wrong in our culture, behaviour and attitudes that this is the truth of the situation.  In the vast majority of stories I have come across black women report not being heard, not being respected and certainly not being supported.  Support, respect and listening are values that we hold dear at Nurturing Birth.  So, how can we support what appears to be an inherently racist society to shift and change?  How can we make birth better for BAME people?  

I was shown a powerful image on a training course which showed the difference between equality and equity.  Both are about promoting fairness, equality being focussed on giving everyone equal rights.  Equity looks at what someone has to start with, recognises unfair advantage and seeks to give people what they need in order to have the same opportunities.  How can we create equity in the maternity world?  How can we make sure that those in the BAME communities are being treated in the same way as their white counterparts?  

Kemi Johnson, a black British midwife wrote today

“Be anti-racist.  Being appalled isn’t enough.  Educate, collaborate and spend/share your resources in ways that reverse the impact of a whole world being anti-black. Let’s be united in pro-love.  It’s time to create a new way of living – a new way of being.  It’s time”

We recognise that there is so much to learn and consider so we will continue to do the work.  It is likely we won’t get things entirely right, so apologies for that.  Our intention is for Nurturing Birth to be an inclusive, anti-racist community and course provider.  We welcome your support and recommendations.  For now, here are a few resources we have found really useful in our learning if you want to join us on the journey.  

Nova Reid is a Diversity and Anti-Racism Campaigner – she offers courses, a podcast and is a keynote speaker, including TedX.

Trudi Lebron is an Impact Coach who talks about Equity, Diversity and Race in the Coaching Industry 

Candice Braithwaite is Presenter, Writer and Founder of MakeMotherhoodDiverse and has had her book I Am Not Your Babymother published this month.

Why I am No Longer Talking to White People About Race is Reni Eddo-Lodge’s book – UK Journalist and Author.

5 important things that might be stopping you getting more doula bookings

Ok, so you’ve completed your Doula Course and your fabulous doula business is up and running! You’ve got yourself a business card, a fancy logo, leaflets and even a website. You’ve set up your Facebook page, registered your business with Google to get your SEO started and you tell all your friends and family about what you can do and how much you can help.

And then your first ever client books in, hurray! You’re off to a flying start. And then another and another….

But then… a lull.

You market yourself some more and you wait…

And wait…

You nab a few clients, but you notice that getting more doula bookings is becoming harder and harder.

You’re spending more and more time and money on marketing that isn’t bringing you enough clients.

You start to wonder… what’s gone wrong?

You stress and you worry. This self-employed malarkey is so much tougher than you thought it would be!

Don’t panic lovely doula. It doesn’t have to be like that. You have amazing talents; you just need to make a few tweaks to get those clients flowing into your booking diary.

To get you started, here are 5 important things that might be stopping you getting more bookings.

1. You’re throwing your net too wide

As the talented doula you are, you can probably help with many things, you might even offer other services such as placenta encapsulation or sleep consultancy BUT marketing yourself this way could actually be losing you clients. People tend to shop for one solution at a time so if you’re trying to sell them several at once then you risk overwhelming them. Coming across as a jack of all trades and a master of none might not be the best way to convince potential clients of your capability.

Getting more doula bookings comes down to three simple marketing rules… be super clear about who you want to help, what they are struggling with and how you can make it better.

If you offer multiple services, make sure your marketing of these is clear cut and not jumbled up together. Be mindful of what stage your potential client is at and focus on the service that best suits her needs at that time. Help her at the stage she is at NOW and save the upsells for later down the line.

Once a client has bought from you once they are much more likely to choose you over a competitor in the future. Get them booked in before you start to throw a list of services at them.

2. You’re focusing too much on the letters

So, your doula training and registration with professional bodies is SUPER important. But ironically, focusing on these in your marketing could actually be putting potential clients off. Your training and CPD is important because it’s what makes you the talented doula you are, but will clients really know what that training is? Or which of your long list of services they need to help them with their thing?

In most cases, all the client wants to know is that you can make them feel better.

Your training and qualifications is your toolbox. You carry it everywhere because it helps you to do your job. But it isn’t what makes you great at your job.

Think about it this way. Every doula out there is carrying around the same toolbox as you… So how are you going to stand out?

How are you going to take your clients from the place they are in now where they are feeling overwhelmed and under-supported (otherwise they wouldn’t be looking for a doula in the first place) to that place they wish they could be, where they feel informed, empowered and positive about pregnancy and birth.

That’s what you’re selling. A great way to do this is to feature customer testimonials and case studies in your marketing. These help your potential customer to recognise herself and her worries and start to see how you are the perfect doula to support her.

3. You’re expecting customers to jump too soon

You spend hours at your computer crafting that perfect Facebook post, you post it, you might even pay to boost it and you sit back and wait for all those new clients to get in touch… But nothing happens.

Is Facebook broken? Are you rubbish at marketing? Is anyone actually reading anything you post?

It might be that you are expecting clients to jump too soon.

Marketing is a journey. It’s so much more than just social media. It’s being on different social media platforms, it’s blogging, it’s having a website that connects with clients, it’s having case studies that showcase your excellent doula talents, it’s building your mailing list, and nurturing and building your relationships with potential clients and other local businesses.

All of these things help to lead potential clients to your diary.

So, posting on social media and then expecting that post to turn into paying clients is asking people to make a HUGE leap. You need to get those marketing steps in place so, through regular contact they can get to know you, like your stuff and trust that you are the person to help them. Only then will they make that booking with you.

4. You’re blending in, rather than standing out

Do you know how many doulas there are in your local area?

Let’s say there are loads… Does that mean you should give up and get a day job? Absolutely not! What it does mean is that you need to stand out in that sea of doulas, because if you blend in you will struggle to get clients to notice you.

The easiest way to start standing out is simply to be you. Yes, there are loads of doulas out there, but there is only one you. Potential clients can be drawn in or put off by your personality, the way you talk, the language you use, even the way you dress. You can’t attract everyone, so use your personal skills to really stand out to those who get you.

No more hiding behind a logo or a brand. Use photos of yourself in your social media and on your website. Create videos of you – yes, it’s scary but it’s a great way to stand out. Don’t be afraid to find and use your voice – there is no ‘right’ way to speak or be as a doula and every woman out there is looking for a doula that fits with who she is too! Your vibe attracts your tribe they say so if you are being you, you’re more likely to attract clients who really value what you do and how you work.

5. You’re staying local

As doulas we are often taught that the client relationship should be a face-to-face one, but that limits you to those people who live in your local area or align with your working hours.

Does all support need to be given face-to-face? If not, why limit yourself when there is a whole world of people out there who could benefit from your help? If you can’t provide a whole support package online then which services could you bundle up and offer remotely?

As well as remote consultations and support you might also consider creating online products; taking your doula skills and turning them into an online programme that clients can buy and use without you even needing to see them one-to-one.

Online products enable you to help more people and allow you to earn an income even when you’re not working. Yay!

So, no more struggling to fill your diary and build the business of your dreams! Just making a few tweaks to the way you work and market yourself could make a massive difference for you. Why not give it a try!