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Mentoring

Trusting your instincts with Michelle Every

October 20, 2020

Photo of Michelle Every of Nurturing Birth doula training.

By Michelle Every,
Mentoring Coordinator and Supporting Every Birth facilitator

On the Nurturing Birth Doula course we talk about how to empower clients by creating a safe space for them to be able to let go of other people’s expectations and to listen to their own instincts on what feels right for them.

In reality, as I supported clients as a doula myself, I became aware of how often this concept of listening to ourselves was alien to them. They had read many books, and over the years as online support became more common, looked on the Internet and followed people on social media. But when asked the question “What feels right for you?” they were flummoxed. No-one had asked them this before. Some even said that they did not know that it was an option to have their own opinions on their own birth.

It was, and is, such a privilege and joy to journey alongside people and empower them to discover new tools and practices to uncover their instincts and desires.

Reflecting on my upbringing and childhood, I do not remember being asked to consider what I felt was right for me. I was taken to church. I was put in the nearest Infants School and then High School because I passed the 11-plus. We went on holidays that my parents chose (and I did love the swimming in the sea) and weekends were full of activities that I was taken along to. No-one asked how I felt or encouraged me to follow my own instincts.

And yet, even without this support my discernment grew – and maybe because of the lack of it in my childhood I became courageous in expressing it, and risked following it.

For example, when I was 20 I met 18 year old Iain and after hanging out for a day he asked me to marry him. And I said yes. This was certainly not the wisdom from my family or community, but I just knew what I knew. So we married a year later and we celebrate 30 years of marriage in 2021.

Trusting your instincts can bring joy for sure.

I could share so many stories of when Iain and I went against the flow and instead trusted our instincts and followed peace.

Helping others trust their instincts has become a passion for me. I delight in seeing people turning inward, creating space and silence to listen and then having the courage to trust what they feel and hear.

Having discernment certainly complements the work I do as a doula and mentor. Trusting my instincts has served me well.

I am aware that not everyone understands the phrase ‘trust your instincts’ and I find it hard to describe because for me it is a feeling in my soul rather than words in my head.

But I do know that it is something that can be practiced – like a muscle that stretches and grows in strength as we use it.

In discussions with clients, colleagues and friends I have discovered that some people are so busy, living with so much noise, that they do not know how to access their instincts. The idea of listening to the voice feels to some like stopping the fun. Others doubt their feelings can be trusted and fear the process of being still. And others have oodles of experience and practice of trusting their instincts and can access them at the drop of a hat.

As doulas we want our clients to trust their instincts. They have so many external voices advising them how to give birth, how to parent and what is best for them. What a gift we can give to create a space where they can sit still and listen to their own voice. We can encourage them to follow their own wisdom and heart’s desires. And yet, we are client led and if the client wants to follow what advice the midwife has given them, or what they have read we respect the decisions and support them equally to any other.

Many doulas are comfortable with empowering their clients and supporting them to trust their instincts, yet as a mentor what I see so often is doulas do not always create the same space for themselves.

How much time do we take to be still, to quieten our minds and listen to our inner voice? How often do we listen to our discernment when we are at interviews for potential new clients or interacting on social media?

I experience this knowing when I shut out external noise, opinions, advice and information. I can hear what feels right for me when I allow myself some space and silence. And I know it is my discernment and instinct when I am left with a deep sense of peace. 

You may find it helpful to ask yourself some of these questions:

– How often do you create space for yourself and how could you gift more time to yourself? 
– How do you still your mind and listen to what your heart’s desires are?  
– How do you make decisions and explore new opportunities? Do you tune into your discernment rather than looking outside yourself to external factors and influences? 
– What does it look like to you to be guided by inner peace? 

If you would like to explore some of these questions further why not sign up for one of our mentoring sessions? Email michelle@nurturingbirth.co.uk to find out more.

About Michelle Every
Michelle is an experienced birth and postnatal doula based in Greater Manchester, having trained with Nurturing Birth in 2007. She has been involved in mentoring across a wide range of communities particularly in areas of doulaing, parenting, relationships, marriage and life/work balance.

Michelle is the writer and facilitator of Supporting Every Birth an interactive workshop for birth workers looking at supporting both clients and themselves through all birth journeys including baby loss.

Michelle is married to Iain and they have three daughters and two sons.

Filed Under: About Doulaing, Blog, Mentoring, SEB Tagged With: Doula mentoring, Michelle Every, safe space, Trusting your instincts

How to create a positive mindset and grow your doula practice

November 28, 2018

A positive mindset is one of those things that takes time and concerted effort to develop – it’s not enough to simply be aware of the fact you have a certain mindset issue, like fear or negative self-talk, it’s important to constantly challenge the way you think.

You see, starting your own doula business, is an incredibly rewarding journey to take, but often it’s far from simple or easy. Building a successful working career is a challenge, but doing it on your own terms, in your own way, presents a whole new set of challenges!

And here’s the vital killer… we’re often a lot harder on ourselves than we should be, frequently berating and belittling ourselves for our perceived failures, whilst usually minimising our successes.

Mindset is a funny thing, but there are four key areas I’ve noticed that people struggle with. Individually they can be an issue. When you have to contend with more than one at a time they can be utterly crippling.

However, master these mindsets and you’ll be well on your way to reaching your full, genuine potential…

How to create a positive mindset and grow your doula practice

Mindset Issue #1: Having A Fixed Outlook Rather Than A Growth Mindset

Do you view the world with a fixed outlook, or with a growth mindset? Here’s how to find out… If you find yourself encountering problems in your work, relationships, and personal life you will likely react in one of two ways:

  1. This is just the way it is, I either have to live with it, or remove myself from the situation (i.e. find a new job, end my relationship, find new friends, give up that hobby, etc.)
  2. This is just an obstacle to overcome, and once I’m on the other side of it everything will be better/easier.

The former is known as a ‘fixed outlook’, and is characterised by the belief that certain things in life are set. The latter perspective is a ‘growth mindset’, the perception that all things can and do change, develop, and grow.

A fixed outlook holds you back from reaching your potential, because there are self-imposed boundaries you never truly strive to break, simply because you believe they are unbreakable. A growth mindset holds that where there is life, there is growth, and therefore your level of success, happiness and achievement can continue to expand and evolve for the whole length of your life.

Which is pretty awesome, right?

Mindset Issue #2: Approval Seeking

Approval seeking is a habit we begin in childhood. You do something for the first time and instinctively look to an authority figure to tell you you’re on the right track, reassure you, and give you confidence.

We naturally carry this habit into adulthood and often repeat the pattern with authority figures, particularly with those we respect and admire.

And it’s an understandable impulse. The problem is that when you seek approval for everything you do in your business, you’re actually undermining your own ability, success and potential.

You never learn to trust your gut. You second guess everything you do. And when you can’t get a second opinion (or you’re too nervous to ask for one) you’re more likely to hold yourself back and pass over opportunities for fear they’re the wrong move.

Worse still, you might seek approval from the wrong people. Great Aunty Pat means well but she probably doesn’t understand your business. Other people may give you advice based on what would be right for them, but that isn’t right for you.

How to create a positive mindset and grow your doula practice

Mindset Issue #3: Social Envy

The rise and rise of social media has given us all a bit of an obsession with the way we appear online, and the way other people appear too.

In our personal lives we may find ourselves envious of the picture-perfect selfies or astonishing holiday snaps our friends share. We forget that people only show the best moments of their lives on social media, and often tweak those images to make them as perfect as possible.

We can easily do this in business too, coveting the number of followers a fellow doula has or how many people are liking and commenting on their stuff, how great their memes look, and the awesome YouTube channel they’ve got going on. But these snapshots are just as carefully chosen as the images our friends share.

So when venturing into the treacherous waters of social media, do remember, everything you see there is (to some extent) a performance.

Mindset Issue #4: Lack Of Self-Belief

Success in business hinges on your ability to believe you’re actually capable of doing it. Many of us carry fears and worries that it’s going to be more than we can handle, or that we will ultimately fail.

A little self-doubt is perfectly natural, but if you’ve ever heard the expression ‘thoughts become things’ you will have an idea of why self-doubt can be so detrimental.

When you’re perpetually thinking you will fail, you will more than likely fail. Not because you’re a failure, but because you’re expecting it to happen and reacting as if it already has.

When you’re convinced you can succeed, and that success is inevitable, you will act and react completely differently. If you’re convinced that you can totally do this (and you can!) then success will come.

 

Need a little help with creating your positive mindset? Consider working with a mentor to build your self-belief, sharpen your focus and over come challenges. Why not find out more about the Nurturing Birth Doula mentoring program for beginner and experienced doulas. Click here to discover more about doula mentoring

 

 

Filed Under: Marketing, Mentoring Tagged With: marketing

A reflection on mentoring – Michelle Every

February 20, 2018

Nurturing Birth Head of Mentoring, Michelle Every, shares her thoughts as one of the doulas she is mentoring comes to the end of her Initial Mentoring Programme

“Nearing the end of mentoring a doula through her Nurturing Birth 15 month Initial Mentoring Programme I have been reflecting on how our relationship has grown and changed over this time.

In the past I have mentored doulas and primarily focused on the births they attended.  With the new Nurturing Birth programme I have enjoyed and seen such benefit from a different approach to mentoring which balances debriefing experiences of supporting families with a greater focus on taking care of yourself, developing your business, networking and on-going learning.

As the mentor I have had sessions with the mentee where she shares her own goals and together we work a way forward that incorporates these.  The relationship has felt equal and empowering for us both.

Having our mentoring sessions every three months has given her space to work through the tasks set and to solve some of her own questions. It has been wonderful to see her confidence and her business grow.

In our last session we chatted about one of the tasks that had not been completed yet and it opened up a significant conversation that I truly believe would not have happened had we not invested in the mentoring relationship as we have.

I find it incredible that by simply providing a clear framework, laying out clear expectations and then providing unhurried time to listen, the mentee is then able to identify her own needs, flourish in her work and well-being, and establish healthy boundaries for the future.

Mentoring for me is an honour and a privilege. I am grateful that someone chooses to allow me access into their life and trusts me enough to share honestly.

I am looking forward to a continued mentoring relationship with this mentee as she completes this programme and then accesses the experienced one-off sessions in the future.”

We are so thrilled that the feedback we are getting from mentees is so overwhelmingly positive and find it so rewarding that this particular doula sees the value in continued mentoring and will keep coming back!

If you are interested in the Nurturing Birth mentoring programme then click here for more details about the Initial Programme – 15 months working regularly with a mentor to help launch your business, or here for the details about the Experienced Doula Programme – opportunities to work with a mentor on particular challenges or issues, or in a self-caring way to give yourself regular opportunities to debrief, reflect and share with a safe, trusted person.

To contact us about mentoring email michelle@nurturingbirth.co.uk

 

Filed Under: Mentoring Tagged With: Doula mentoring, Doulas, Mentoring doulas, Michelle Every, nurturing birth

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