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What am I doing wrong? (Why am I not getting doula clients?)

By Sophie Brigstocke

Photo of Sophie Brigstocke. Sophie is a white woman with long, light brown hair and she's wearing a blue top.

This week a new doula was sharing that she hadn’t got any clients yet and wondered what she was doing wrong.

It’s been almost twenty years since I stepped into self-employment and I can still remember those early days when there was more fear than excitement around making it work.

It was so easy to look at what other people were offering and think that I wasn’t as desirable. It was so easy to dive into stories like …

  • Why would someone choose me over that amazing doula over there who also offers hypnobirthing
  • Why would someone pick me when I haven’t done any/many births?
  • Why would someone pick me when I haven’t got additional feeding qualifications?
  • Why would someone choose me when I didn’t have the “right” birth experience myself?

Comparisonitis as I like to describe it – the illness of comparing ourselves to others – it is rarely helpful!

Thankfully, on this call, there were other wonderful doulas – some really experienced and others nearer the start of their doula journey – who were all able to listen and offer reassurance and useful suggestions. I love the Nurturing Birth community so much – always compassionate and supportive. There was also a mentor who had valuable reflective questions to ask the doula about what they were actively doing to attract clients in.

Becoming a doula is not just about being passionate about supporting families in the perinatal period, it is also about stepping into running a business. We build business development into all our courses, however we also recognise the need for ongoing support which is why mentoring is so fundamental to everything we offer, as well as our weekly Virtual Cuppa gatherings.

Last week we had one of our regular Dreaming of Being a Doula workshops – an ideal opportunity for anyone thinking of training to be a doula – two hours of being in a Nurturing Birth space, hearing from recent Nurturing Birth course attendees and having your questions answered. Why not take a look at the next dates and sign up?

For anyone who wants to work one-to-one on self-confidence, removing limiting beliefs and setting positive goals for their future then come and spend a Step Into Your Power day with me. Those who have joined me recently have had such positive feedback, like Jan:

“I feel fabulous. The fear’s gone, the worry’s gone … Absolutely, would recommend this to anyone, it really, really has started another chapter for me, so thank you so much.”

Hope you have a wonderful week!

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“But I don’t know enough to be a doula!”

Photo of Michelle Every, a white woman with long hair, wearing a light blue jacket, standing in the countryside.

By Michelle Every

When people connect with me, as they look into training to be a doula, I often hear the same theme coming up

“How do I make sure I know enough?”

“Will clients expect me to know everything about birth or the early days with a newborn?”

 “I am worried that the client will ask me something that I do not know the answer to”

“I am scared of looking silly or letting my client down with my lack of knowledge”

Do you have these thoughts and questions, too? Are you worried about whether you know enough to be a doula?

Let’s start by asking a really important question:

As a doula, what do we need to know?

Personally, I am someone who does not naturally and easily retain information. I can remember people’s stories really well, but factual information seems to disappear from my brain’s filing cabinet. Some other doulas have a natural ability to remember anything they have read; many are somewhere in between.

We are all different, as doulas and as human beings, and the brilliant news is that being a doula is all about being ourselves. We are called to be authentic and unique. However, what we don’t need to be is a walking encyclopaedia of everything there is to know about pregnancy, birth and the postnatal period!

If I don’t need to know loads of facts to be a doula, what do I need?

The role of the doula is to support the client to make informed decisions. Part of this may be to help them to find factual information they are searching for. This is why signposting is our friend!

Our training courses teach you about evaluating information, so that you can feel confident to signpost your clients, whether that’s to the Nurturing Birth blogs and manual or elsewhere. Once you’ve completed a Nurturing Birth doula course you may choose to follow one of our CPD (continuous professional development) programs, such as our Expansive Course modules from Specialist Contributors or our Membership programme (due to launch early 2022).

However, it’s really important to stress that one of our vital doula skills is to be able to be honest enough to say that we do not know all the answers but that we are committed to helping our clients to find what they need.

Using reflective and open questions often helps the doula client to connect to their own power and inner knowledge. These types of questions provide them invaluable space to explore what exactly they are looking for. This can be one of the most precious and powerful parts of the doula journey. Really being heard, really being given the space to set out our feelings, thoughts, worries, aspirations and desires; this is not something that many of us have the privilege of experiencing in our day to day lives. As doulas, we can be the person to gift this to our clients. We can also gift it to ourselves through our doula mentors.

Doulas have the freedom to walk alongside the client and signpost rather than educate, lead or overpower them. We don’t need to have the clinical knowledge of a doctor or midwife, and we don’t need to have all of the answers for all of the babies. In fact, we can never have all of this. We don’t need to. A doula’s skill and value lies in helping our clients to navigate through it all, to find their own answers. Nurturing Birth is here to help you to be the doula who can do this.

Are you ready to find out more? Take a look at the training courses that are available to you now. We can’t wait to see you there!

Nurturing Birth Book Review: Covid Babies: How Pandemic Health Measures Undermined Pregnancy, Birth and Early Parenting

Book Review by Dr Mari Greenfield

Front cover of the book, "Covid Babies" by Amy Brown. Light blue cover with Covid Babies at the top, written in white. There's a graphic of a woman wearing a mask holding a baby in a sling.

Covid Babies: How Pandemic Health Measures Undermined Pregnancy, Birth and Early Parenting by Amy Brown is published by Pinter and Martin and costs £12.99

Those who became parents during the pandemic have experienced pregnancy, birth, and perinatal loss in a way that those of us who became parents before the pandemic can hardly imagine. This well-researched book draws together the wealth of evidence that can help us try to understand the experience, and presents it in a way which is accessible to parents, helpful to healthcare professionals who want to alter their practices, and useful to policy-makers who are wondering how to help.

Brown immediately cuts to the biggest issue faced by perinatal services and expectant parents during the pandemic; have we balanced the physical safety due to Covid with the physical and emotional safety parents need in antenatal, intrapartum and postnatal care? Within the first chapter she states that – at least some of the time – this balance has been wrong.

The cost of getting the balance wrong has had a terrible toll. Women and babies have died. In the first chapter, the statistics about pregnant women who have died from Covid in the UK are broken down, and discussed in illuminating ways. Brown pulls no punches in setting out how many women died either from poor care whilst they had Covid, or from the altered maternity care arrangements. These deaths were all potentially preventable. Neither does she shy away from pointing out that many of the women whose lives could have been saved were Black, Asian, and/or had a BMI>30. She names the role institutional racism has played in those deaths, although she does not discuss whether fatphobia may also have affected care.

The pandemic, Brown argues, also caused the deaths of many babies, though very few directly died from Covid. Instead, babies died (especially in low and middle income countries) from not being breastfed, especially if they were separated from mothers who definitely or potentially had Covid. In the UK, more babies died at the hands of their parents. This was the result of a combination of factors; the ‘pressure cooker’ (p.115) of lockdown, combined with the absence of practical support from family and friends, and the absence of in-person visits from Health Visitors, many of whom had been redeployed. Many more babies did not die of these causes, but were seriously harmed, and will experience long-term effects.

Brown is (rightly) strongly critical of the UK’s ‘chaotic’ (p.35) messaging to new and expectant parents about Covid risk, especially in the early days of the pandemic. She links this messaging, as well the changes that were brought into perinatal care, as contributing to the massive rise we have seen in perinatal mental health difficulties. Messaging about the risks of Covid to pregnant people and their unborn babies was inconsistent, overwhelming in volume, and often plain wrong. Throughout the pandemic, it seems to have been impossible for official sources to admit to a lack of knowledge or uncertainty, resulting in misinformation from official sources. Where an incorrect message had been circulated, whether that was about the risk of death to pregnant people from Covid, or the safety of vaccination during pregnancy, new messages simply replaced old messages, with few public explanations about why the incorrect information was circulated, and no apologies. This situation, Brown argues, has directly increased perinatal anxiety, and led to a loss of trust in official information.

In terms of the changes to perinatal services, Brown says,

‘it seems that the pressures of the pandemic took everything we knew about what works well in supporting pregnant and birthing families and shoved it in a dark cupboard somewhere’ (p.49)

She then proceeds to describe how parents were physically separated from each other during miscarriages, terminations, births, and the illness and even deaths of their young babies. She talks about the removal of all support networks – families, friends, midwives, health visitors, child development services, antenatal education, breastfeeding support, baby groups, other parents, fertility services and perinatal mental health services. The results are unsurprising – increases in birth trauma, increases in mental health difficulties, increases in relationship difficulties and breakdowns.

Throughout the book Brown describes how these changes had an even greater impact on some new and expectant parents, including; those with less economic power, living in temporary accommodation, who do not speak English fluently, who have a hearing difficulty or are Deaf. In each of these circumstances, the changes to perinatal services had an even greater impact, widening inequalities.

At least one group is missing from this discussion though: The specific impacts that changes to maternity services had on LGBTQ+ families are not discussed. We know that pregnant LGB+ women may be more likely to freebirth1, and have higher rates of perinatal mental health difficulties2, when compared to pregnant heterosexual women. Research shows that trans men are much more likely to choose either homebirths or elective caesarean births, because the degree of privacy and control is perceived as greater. The simultaneous withdrawal of both these options during the pandemic would have been useful to explore.

Non-gestational lesbian mothers may co-breastfeed their baby, and sometimes are the sole breastfeeder. Some have reported that during the pandemic the heterosexist visiting policies in both postnatal wards and neonatal care led to them being denied their legal right to breastfeed their babies, even being told by healthcare professionals that they were not mothers, but milk donors. It would have been good to see recognition of the experiences of these parents in the book.

The book concludes with ideas of how to move forwards, first in a chapter that addresses public and social policy, and then in an additional chapter that speaks directly to those who have become pregnant, become parents, or become parents again since March 2020. Brown argues for investment of Governmental money and professional time to support new parents, but also expresses concern that this investment may not be likely. She details how midwifery in the UK has been pushed by the pandemic to a crisis point, and points out that still, two years later, many birth choices have not been reinstated. Her message to new parents is more hopeful, reaffirming that their experiences of pregnancy, birth and loss during the pandemic are unique, and that their reactions to these experiences are valid. She ends the book by helpfully providing a series of tips about coming to terms with these experiences, and a whole collection of organisations who provide support to parents.

This book is a challenging read, because it reflects the difficult times that new and expectant parents have lived through. This will be distressing to all readers, not least to people who have conceived, been pregnant or given birth during this time, and healthcare professionals who have worked hard to support and care for families throughout Covid. Nonetheless, I would urge everyone involved in maternity care, no matter their role, to read this essential book, to better understand how their decisions affect those who are becoming parents as this pandemic continues, and what can be done to make that experience a more safe and positive one.

Dr Mari Greenfield works at King’s College, London, as a postdoctoral researcher in perinatal health. She became an academic after a decade of working as a doula and a breastfeeding counsellor, and is passionate using research to improve birthing people’s experiences. She is the author of the podcast “Pride in Birth”, which brings together for the first time the academic and medical research about LGBTQ+ people’s experiences of conception, pregnancy, birth, and the postnatal period. 

You can find Mari on Twitter @ResearchDoula

Pride in Birth podcast: http://www.pinterandmartin.radio/pride-in-birth.html

References:

  1. Between a Rock and a Hard Place: Considering “Freebirth” During Covid-19 https://doi.org/10.3389/fgwh.2021.603744
  2. Transgender men, pregnancy, and the “new” advanced paternal age: A review of the literature https://doi.org/10.1016/j.maturitas.2019.07.004
  3. From erasure to opportunity: a qualitative study of the experiences of transgender men around pregnancy and recommendations for providers https://doi.org/10.1186/s12884-017-1491-5

Anne Glover – Becoming a doula: My Story!

Photo of Anne Glover. Anne is a white woman with straight brown hair that is falling over her right eye in the photo.

By Anne Glover

Anne trained as a doula with Nurturing Birth in June 2015. Since then, she’s been a full time doula based in Northern Ireland.

Are you primarily a birth or postnatal doula? 

I love doing both birth and postnatal doulaing, but the demand seems to be primarily for birth doulas here in Northern Ireland. We’re working on that!

When did you first hear about doulas?

About 10 years ago, I was living in Eastern Europe and whileI was there I came across an article about doulas in a women’s magazine. It seemed so idyllic and made so much sense to have someone you could trust to guide and reassure new parents throughout pregnancy, birth and the early days with a newborn.  I decided that it’s what I would like to do when I returned to Northern Ireland, or when I retire.  I would have loved to have had a doula at my births and postnatally, but unfortunately I didn’t know about them 30 years ago!

What were you doing before you trained as a doula?

I had been living overseas for almost 30 years and was looking forward to returning home. My 3 children are all grown up and whilst I had done various jobs whilst travelling, I now felt that it was my time to do something on my terms, something that I felt passionate about. I’ve always worked or volunteered in the social care sector, and in fact was a family support volunteer with a local charity, https://www.tinylife.org.uk/ when I was doing the Nurturing Birth doula training. My working career spanned from the bank, administration in public and private hospitals and international schools overseas, childminding, disability development management, support work at homeless drop in centre and eventually to the best job in the world – being a doula!

Had you been at any births before training to be a doula?

Yes, I supported my sister at her second birth many years ago and was completely blown away to see my niece enter this world, especially as the midwives had already left the room when her wee head started to crown. I felt very fortunate to get a glimpse of a natural birth, with baby deciding when it was the right time to be born. As a result of that experience I looked into training as a midwife but then we moved to live overseas for almost 30 years… I’m a firm believer in everything happening for a reason and I now know that I was never meant to be a midwife.

What made you decide to train as a doula?

We were planning to return to UK to live and after having done various jobs for many years, due to moving around, I decided to look again at training to be a midwife. I sought advice from a midwife friend who was a senior lecturer in midwifery, about doing the degree, and we also talked about doula training.  

There were not many doulas in Northern Ireland, and as I love a challenge I decided to do the doula training first and then see if I should look more into the midwifery degree. However, the more I delved into being a doula and looked at the various training courses, the more I could relate to becoming a doula rather than a midwife. Honestly, as soon as I commenced the Nurturing Birth doula training, I felt like I’d found my true calling! I just wished I had discovered this path earlier in my life.

I’ve always been fascinated by birth and babies, loving the mystery and magic that surrounds this life-changing event.  It would have been pure bliss to have had a doula at my births, especially my first when I laboured most of the time on my own.  I can also appreciate the need for postnatal support for various reasons, but especially if the family don’t have any other support at all with a newborn.  I came away from that course full of enthusiasm for birth, feeling that everyone should know what we were taught at the course.  After all, birth is such an important and exciting life-changing event in most people’s lives.  

What do you love most about being a doula? 

So many things!

It’s the best job ever! 

I’ve always been a ‘people person’ and thrive on caring for others. Being a doula takes this to another level.  I love meeting new families, taking time to get to know them and growing our relationship together. It really feels amazing when a family I’ve been supporting is confident and knowledgeable about labour and birth, and the fire lights in my belly when they make informed decisions about their own birthing journey.  It sounds very clichéd, but it really is an honour to be with a family as they prepare to meet their precious wee baby, to support their pregnancy journey, and then to be with them throughout labour and birth.  There’s nothing quite like it in the world, witnessing the birth of a baby!    There is laughter, joy and tears, all surrounded by excitement and anticipation.

My beautiful granny is my inspiration.  She was in her 30s before she had the first of 6 children, including a first breech birth followed by a premature birth, all born at home and all breastfed until 9 months old.  She also supported other labouring mummies in her neighbourhood, because that’s what women did in those days, until the doctor arrived! A doula before her time!

What do you find challenging about being a doula?

There are a couple of things that I personally find challenging being a doula. It’s tough sometimes to say goodbye to families, especially when you became a part of their precious pregnancy and birthing journey. But supporting families to feel empowered and confident is all part of my role, so saying goodbye is also a sign of success – so I keep telling myself!

The other thing that I find really challenging is the lack of knowledge and awareness there is generally on what a doula’s role is, not only in society but also in the maternity services. This is something I’ve been working on for the past 6 years, trying to raise awareness about doulas.  Since the pandemic it has really become even more evident that our role is misunderstood, and our importance to our client has been underestimated. It is vital for everyone who is managing maternity services to remember that it’s the woman or birthing person’s choice to have a doula, and therefore we are an essential part of their birth team.

What do you want from the future/where do you see doulaing taking you?

A couple of years ago I started a podcast (Let’s doula it!) to raise awareness about doulaing in NI, which has proved to be a great success!  So, I will continue will that. I’m also a founder of the first doula collective in NI (https://www.doulasni.co.uk/) and I absolutely love working with other like-minded doulas! We are able to combine our expertise and specialities to offer a wide, specialised service tailored to the individual family’s requirements.  There has never been a better reason to work together since the pandemic! Doulas need doulas!

I’m also actively involved with Doula UK. I cherish supporting other doulas and seeing them blossom into amazing professionals.  

In the future I’d love to see doulas recognised as much more than birth partners, as a vital part of the woman’s or birthing person’s birthing team. I really enjoy building relationships with midwives and obstetricians, demonstrating how we complement each other and provide families with the care and respect they deserve. 

I know I’m very lucky to have found my calling, and to be able to go where life leads me on this amazing doula journey!

Is there anything else you’d like to add?

Just in case I never have enough to do, I also volunteer for AIMS on the campaigns team! I feel that to campaign for any improvement to maternity services is always worthwhile 🙂

Anne Glover’s Nurturing Birth Directory Entry is here: https://nurturingbirthdirectory.com/doulas/united-kingdom/county-antrim/belfast/anne-glover/

Anne’s email: [email protected]

Anne’s website: https://motherdoula.com

Anne’s Doula Group website: https://www.doulasni.co.uk/

Instagram: annehypnodoula

Instagram: doulasni

Facebook: Doula Anne Glover (https://www.facebook.com/doulaanneg)

Facebook: HypnoBirthing Anne Glover (https://www.facebook.com/HypnoBirthingAnneGloverNI)

Victoria White – My Journey to becoming a doula

Photo of Victoria White. Victoria is a white woman with long blonde hair. She's wearing a blue top and a thin gold chain.

By Victoria White

I first heard about doulas when I was pregnant with my second child. I had really struggled during my previous postpartum, and I was looking to source some more support second time around. Unfortunately I couldn’t find any doulas working in my local area. But I did come across the Nurturing Birth doula training course, and that planted a seed in my mind about my future career!

I originally trained as a marine biologist, and I worked for 10 years as an environmental consultant to offshore industries. The work was interesting and varied, but I didn’t feel fulfilled. I was always keeping an eye out for inspiration to train and work in a different area.

Before training to be a doula, the only births I’d been to were the births of my own daughters (and my own!). Both births were very medicalised and were similar on paper, but the way I felt about them was very different. The second time, I had done my research, and I felt in control throughout the process. I trusted my body, which was something I didn’t experience the first time.

I became interested in the wellbeing and mental health of birthing people and new parents, following my own challenging experiences. Unfortunately after the births of both my daughters I experienced a lack of consistent support and isolation, during a difficult postnatal period, and it made me think there has to be a better way. I trained as a Mother Supporter with the Association of Breastfeeding Mothers, and found supporting people breastfeeding at our local support group extremely rewarding.

During my second pregnancy, I discovered the Nurturing Birth doula training course and I knew it was something I was keen to explore further. When my daughter was 6 months old, we moved as a family from Aberdeen in Scotland to Paris, with my husband’s job. We moved just a week before the Nurturing Birth training course was due to be held in Aberdeen! So I put the idea on the back burner. However just months later the Covid pandemic presented me with an opportunity. Nurturing Birth had developed a Distance Course online. I enrolled in the summer and completed my coursework and received my doula certification in November 2020.

There are so many things that I love about being a doula. There’s a large community of expats in Paris, many of whom are starting families. They are not living in their native countries and are often facing the challenges of pregnancy and birth in a foreign country with no family support and perhaps also isolation from friends. I really love seeing the difference that having an English-speaking doula can make; to help them navigate the French system, plan their birth, and support them during those early weeks postpartum. It is without a doubt the most rewarding work I have ever done.

Of course, there are challenges. In the first year of working as a doula, I have, like many others, found imposter syndrome to be an issue. I have struggled with a lot of self-doubt! But my confidence is growing and I am learning how to observe my inner-critic objectively (and to tell it to pipe down!).

Looking to the future, I am coming to the end of a year-long course working with Alex Health of the Traumatic Birth Recovery College on many different topics relating to perinatal mental health. I am also a certified TBR 3 Step Rewind Practitioner. I have loved this work and hope to support more clients with their emotional wellbeing and resilience. Next year I plan to run an online workshop on Perinatal Anxiety, and ultimately I am considering training as a psychotherapist in addition to offering doula support and 3 Step Rewind services.

The last thing I want to add is that being doulad myself throughout my first year working as a doula has been invaluable. I have been part of the Nurturing Birth mentoring program since my certification, and it has been such an important part of my doula journey so far. I have felt encouraged and nurtured by my mentor, but also completely in control of my own path and development. It has really boosted my confidence and also encouraged my self-awareness.

Victoria is a birth and postnatal doula working in Paris. You can reach her through her Nurturing Birth Directory listing: https://nurturingbirthdirectory.com/doulas/france/ile-de-france/neuilly-sur-seine/victoria-white/

Matrescence: The untold story of a Mother’s becoming…

Photo of Charlotte Bailey and her daughter. They are both white. Charlotte has long, dark hair and wears a red top. Her daughter has light brown mid length hair and a white top. She wears pink glasses.

By Charlotte Bailey

No one told me it would be like this. I had wanted a baby since my teenage years. I’d craved the closeness of a newborn, fantasised over the kind of happy, centered mother I’d be and yearned for the love shared between parent and child. However, when my first child was born, what I felt bore very little resemblance to that which I’d anticipated.

The seismic shift in identity, from maiden to mother, left me feeling lost, unable to reconcile the woman I saw in the mirror with the one I felt inside. I saw myself as a sort of ghost, aimlessly drifting between who I was before and who I was expected to become. I grieved for the loss of that sense of self and the apparent loss of the things I used to do before…before having this baby.

I was so angry because nobody told me. Nobody told me that I could have all this love but that it would come at a cost; that motherhood was a trade-off. In order to have a baby, I’d need to become a mother and that meant putting my needs to the side, even those very basic physical needs such as going to the bathroom when I needed – preferably alone! – eating, exercising, making love…

I felt ashamed because I was struggling. I felt regret at having ‘done this’ to my relationship. I loved my daughter intensely but I hated how invisible and disconnected I felt. I believed I was alone in my suffering. I thought nobody would understand. I feared I’d never feel happy again. Sometimes I would fantasise about stepping out into a busy road, being hit by a car and breaking my pelvis or a hip. Surely, that would put me in hospital long enough that I could have a break from ‘mothering’ and find a way to reconnect with myself. 

I don’t remember exactly when things got better. I do recall a 5-Day work trip to Las Vegas – without my daughter – just before her second birthday. I had this energising sense of absolute freedom. I could see the light… And gradually, as she started nursery, I began to work more, and she started waking less at night… I sort of, somehow, returned. Not exactly the same but good enough. Better, in fact. Evolved, maybe.

Parent or not, most of us will have felt as I did at another time in life… Do you remember? When you were unsure of who you were, of what was expected of you, of what you wanted or needed? When you had all the feelings and none of the vocabulary to articulate them? Do you remember that time when hormones surged through your body and you flew from one extreme emotional state to the next? Body hair appearing in surprising places, bodily odours to make your eyes water and spots, so many spots!

We all transitioned from childhood to adulthood through our pubescence years, through adolescence. During this time our bodies and brains were in radical change. Hormones altered everything from how we looked to how we felt and thought. Countless new neural pathways were winding their way through our expanding brains as we learnt to ‘level-up’.

Physiologically, the changes experienced in the body and brain of a new mother are akin to those seen in the adolescent teen. As women and birthing people transition into parenthood, great neurobiological adaptations occur. It is no wonder that we can feel as lost during this time, as perhaps we did in our teenage years.

First coined by anthropologist Dana Raphael, the conceptual term matrescence describes the transition into motherhood, thought to commence in pregnancy and continue until at least a year after a baby is born.  Clinical Psychologist, Dr. Aurelie Athan in her 2015 publication Maternal psychology: Reflections on the 20th anniversary of Deconstructing Developmental Psychology discusses changes the new mother navigates including those which are…physical (changes in body, hormonal fluctuations); psychological (e.g., identity, personality, defensive structure, self-esteem); social (e.g., re-evaluation of friendships, forgiveness of loved ones, gains in social status, or loss of professional status), and spiritual (e.g., existential questioning, re-commitment to faith, increased religious/spiritual practices).

That’s a lot of shifting!

I speak to many new, first-time mothers and there are many commonalities in the feelings they describe. One new mother – a high-income earning professional woman used to managing large teams and making huge decisions – said she’d lost the ability to make even the simplest of decisions such as what to have for breakfast and that the confidence she had felt as working professional in a cut-throat corporate environment had completely vanished. Since having her son, she continually felt worried, second-guessed her decisions and doubted her ability as a mother. The feelings of uncertainty and self-doubt were so unfamiliar for her, she was finding it difficult to understand the changes she was experiencing. Reassuringly, after a few months things calmed down, she gained confidence and began enjoying motherhood so much that she decided not to return to the corporate world but to retrain and work part time around the needs of her son.

Similarly, I sat with a first-time mum one afternoon who shared with me that she would often wake throughout the night to check her baby was breathing. No matter how many times she checked, she was rarely reassured. She also explained that she would imagine frightening things happening when they left the house. The intrusive thoughts concerned her and she wondered if she was developing postnatal depression. Thankfully, by shining a light on the prevalence of intrusive thoughts during the postnatal period, talking through whether the intrusive thoughts were impacting her ability to go about her day in a ‘normal’ way, and by supporting her to get a few decent night’s sleep, she moved through this stage fairly quickly and the intrusive thoughts soon stopped.

Another new mother I spoke at length with explained that since having her baby she’d felt a real disconnect from her partner. Certain idiosyncrasies of his really bothered her, things that she’d found quite endearing before giving birth. Mainly, she was irritable and frustrated.

She realised she was focussing those feelings on her partner, but actually they were really generalised. She noticed she had also been distancing herself from her ‘new-mum group’ both from their virtual chat and from their meet-ups because she also felt annoyed in their presence. She also felt great sadness about the prospect of not being able to do the things she had so enjoyed before having a baby such as visiting galleries and having the time to indulge in her own creative projects.

With some support, she was able to create time to start to paint and we found a local gallery that she could walk to with the pram. Gradually she began to see a way to integrate some of those things that were important to her sense of identity, and in doing so, she felt more like her old self and more able to enjoy the company of others.

Irritability, annoyance, frustration, a sense of dissatisfaction, disappointment, loss/ grief, hypervigilance and intrusive thoughts; these are all commonly experienced during one’s matrescence. With puberty, we expect and accept that a teenager’s experience of adolescence will be challenging at times. And yet the same consideration is not offered to a mother navigating her matrescence. Societally we expect new mothers to be happy, grateful, blissful, albeit tired but on the whole, positive. If a new mother communicates that she is feeling conflicted or challenged, she is often assumed to be experiencing postnatal depression and yet her set of ‘symptoms’ don’t fit within the clinical definition of depression. Or, she is incorrectly diagnosed with postnatal depression and prescribed medications and/or often a course of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy.

So, how can we better support new mothers throughout their matrescence so that they receive the right kind of support?

Firstly, we need to normalise Matresence but understanding that ‘discomfort’ is not the same as ‘disease’ and by communicating with each other honestly and openly with each other about how the transition into parenthood can feel. De-stigmatising the tougher feelings connected to becoming a mother can only be achieved when we shine a bright light on these aspects, drawing them out of the shadows, dragging them away from guilt and shame and towards a more compassionate place of acceptance.

Secondly, creating adequate time and ritualised space for a new mother to become could be so beneficial for so many. In the west we seem to have largely forgotten the practice of, and the need for a lying-in period; that sacred time, often around 6-weeks or 40 days post birth where a new mother is nurtured, pampered, massaged, nourished, supported and loved upon. She gets to rest, heal and recover whilst taking all the time she needs to learn how to tune in and respond to the needs of her babe. A modern version of a traditional postnatal confinement may help in lessening the stresses of managing everyday tasks, in order that new parents can more securely navigate the rollercoaster of matrescence. 

And finally, I am a firm believer that nobody ought to ride the waves of early parenthood alone. We are social creatures who have benefited since the beginning of mankind from living communally. So, if you are expecting or planning a baby soon, you may want to consider who you can gather to be your supportive network, or your ‘postnatal power-team’ as I like to refer to it. Your Power Team might include reliable friends and family who can offer practical support around your home by taking responsibility for the daily chores and preparing nourishing foods. Your Power Team might include professionals to care for your emotional needs – such as therapists and counsellors – and your physical needs – such as lactation consultants, women’s health specialists or physiotherapists. It could also include holistic therapists to help calm and ground your energy as well as boost your oxytocin levels – think massage therapists, reiki healers, reflexologists, osteopaths. 

And if all this seems like WAY TOO MUCH of a bother, you might consider hiring a rockstar postnatal doula who will facilitate the assembly of your Power Team and tend to all of your practical, emotional and informational needs. Some Doulas are incredible cooks and highly skilled in cooking nourishing meals designed to aid healing and recovery from childbirth. A Doula could support you throughout your matrescence by offering assurance and enabling you to build your confidence in your new role, in your own time and your own, unique way. 

Charlotte is a mother of two fierce little brave-heart girls. She is a Birth and Postnatal Doula who lives and works in Hampshire. Charlotte is a Birth Warrior on a mission to enable all women to conquer their fears around childbirth and step brazenly into their potential as courageous parents. You can email her at [email protected] 

Charlotte’s Nurturing Birth Directory listing is here: https://nurturingbirthdirectory.com/doulas/united-kingdom/hampshire/winchester/charlotte-bailey/