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How to have sales conversations that feel like Magic! – Part 1

By Charlotte Bailey, Nurturing Birth Mentor

This is part one of two blogs – more coming in October 2020!

Let’s be honest here; for most of us there is a jarring incongruence between the idea of being a Doula and of being a Sales person.  The two roles, in my mind, certainly took some time to reconcile but once they did, in a way that felt natural and appropriate, magic happened! I stopped feeling like I was selling and started feeling like I was serving.

Recently, in one of our Virtual Cuppas, a Doula shared her frustration that despite having lots of positive conversations with potential clients/supporters, these conversations weren’t translating into client referrals or bookings. This particular Doula was upset and suspected something was blocking her results. I would like to offer this blog to anyone who relates to this, as a way of providing some possible insight into what those blocks might be and which practical steps can be taken to push through them.

In order to be the best Doula we can, we all have skills to hone…active listening, holding space, appropriate signposting etc. But building a successful Doula business (whatever size of business that means to you) means developing beyond these skills and acquiring new abilities to grow and manage a start-up enterprise. This is where the application of sales skills can be of enormous assistance in learning how to find potential clients, how to talk to them about what you do and how they might benefit, and how to nurture authentic relationships with potential clients until they feel ready to make a decision to work with you (or not!).

In a series of two blogs I will talk you through some of the key skills that will help you to find and connect with your perfect client – and build your doula business!

Skill No. 1- Finding possible clients

In 2018, around 735,000 babies were born in the UK. That’s a lot of babies! And when you consider how few Doulas there are in the UK in comparison to the number of babies that are born, that’s a lot of potential clients.

We know the benefits of working with a Doula, but most people don’t. And so our first job  is to help people to understand. This means sharing the facts with enough people and you’ll naturally start to find your clients. So, where can you share these facts?

  1. Pregnancy and Postnatal Support Groups  – What a fab way to meet local expectant parents and local birth workers. These are ‘promotion-free’ groups so you won’t be asked to talk about your business but you’ll have a mutual space where you can cultivate relationships with pregnant women and people. Naturally at some point they will ask you what you do for a living and you’re welcome at that point to tell them you are a Doula. They may have more questions, in which case, swap details and offer to meet outside of the group set-up.
  2. MVP Committees – As above, you won’t be invited back if you arrive at an MVP meeting with the agenda of finding clients, but by making valid and stand-out contributions to the meeting, you may find that you naturally attract the attention of expectant and new parents who feel a resonance to you.
  3. Doula Databases – There are international doula directories such as the Nurturing Birth Directory, Positive Birth Movement Directory, Doula UK Directory. There are also national or regional ones, eg Hampshire Doulas. How you write about your services and how you tell your story is really critical here. You might want to work with a Sales Consultant or professional Copywriter to put together an all-singing-all-dancing piece of text that you can adapt for use across your website and directory entries to ensure anyone reading your bio and/or business info really understands what you’re all about and knows how to contact you. Any online presence that links back to your website will help boost your Search Engine Optimisation. The greater your online presence with consistent text which clearly describes what you offer, and links that all point in the same direction (don’t forget to check them frequently in case a site you’re linking to has changed) will mean people searching for someone like you are more like to find a hit with your site.
  4. Online – Facebook groups, Linked In, Instagram, Twitter. Either run your own group or join existing groups that have a cross-over in their target audiences with your ideal client. Make time each week to comment and contribute in those groups – not about yourself or your business, but in relation to what group members are asking for. Offer genuine support without the intention of getting anything back from the interaction. If you show-up in those groups consistently enough, people will get to know you and start to investigate further so make sure your FB business page and your personal page are linked. Adding ‘doula’ to your online name means that people know straight away who you are if they are looking for a Doula.
  5. Networking Meetings – A great environment for sharing your business and opportunity. Everyone in the room is there to hear, share, learn, support and refer. Over time, you’ll cultivate trusting relationships. By investing time to learn about and support others and making appropriate referrals, others will do the same for you. Turning up once and vanishing will not bring results. Go along to a few different groups to test out which feel like the best fit for you and then commit to going regularly and booking 1-to-1 meetings with each member to get to know them better. Gather people’s contact details and find creative ways to stay in touch. This could be by hosting coffee mornings for business owners with target audiences that mirror yours, by inviting them into your FB business page and posting regularly, or by adding them (with their permission) to a newsletter database. Asking for referrals is a key part of networking, or starting a conversation with the question ‘Who do you know who…is pregnant/ had a bad birth experience/ is expecting a grandchild and wants to give a valuable gift…?’ offers a gentle and encouraging way to provoke peoples’ thinking beyond their own needs. If someone tells you they know someone who might be interested, ask them to set up a coffee date so they can introduce you. Ask to set a provisional time there and then in order to secure their commitment and move things forwards (see section on Following Up for more tips here)

Skill No. 2 – Inviting possible clients to learn more

Do you know who your ideal client is? We know that there is a potential for every expectant and new parent to benefit from hiring a Doula, but, egos aside now, not every potential client will feel you are the right fit for them. So, who is it that you are looking for, specifically? Spending time really getting to understand who your ideal client is will enable you to spot them when you see them. And more than that, they will resonate with you, too, and your ‘sales’ conversation will feel so natural and easy. Once you have identified your ideal client and cultivated a relationship with them, the next step is inviting them to have a focused meeting with you to discuss how they might benefit from working with you.

My hunch is that many Doulas will think that they must start off with a great reputation and impressive amount of experience and thus have a lot of influence in order for potential clients to want to have a consultation with them. This is not true. If your invitation to meet is so that you can learn more about them and to share more about what benefits a Doula could bring to them, then you’re more likely to secure a meeting, even if you’ve not attended a birth yet! You’re not hunting for a sale here, you’re looking to deepen your rapport, to build a friendship, and to support that person in deciding if they want work with a doula or not. You might not even invite that person to a one-to-one meeting with you, but rather an event where they get to learn a bit more about you first in a non-threatening way whilst gaining benefits from attending the meeting. I like to invite pregnant women and people to a local support group – usually the Positive Birth Movement Meet-Ups or our local MVP committee meeting. It gives us both a chance to meet again and continue to build our relationship. The more a person knows, likes and trusts you, the more likely they are to say ‘yes’ to working with you.

In either case there are some fundamentals about the emotion of inviting;

  1. You must emotionally detach yourself from the outcome. Remember, our initial goal is to help parents to be to  better understand what benefits a Doula would bring to them. It’s not to book a new client. In other words, if you shift your focus away from your own needs onto theirs, away from signing a client and instead to supporting them with their needs, things get a whole lot more enjoyable and lot simpler. Whilst this sounds easy, it may feel difficult to do, especially if you have a strong desire to secure that first client or a real financial need. But being aware of your own ‘stuff’ and choosing not to allow it to cloud your intentions will hopefully keep you in good stead.
  2. Be yourself. Be your best self, but keep it authentic. You have nothing to prove. You are already enough. The more ‘real’ you can be, the more attractive you will be to your dream client and the more comfortable and trusting they will feel in your presence.
  3. Bring the passion, the enthusiasm, the FUN! Positivity is infectious and it’s ok to get a little fired-up so long as the focus remains on the woman or person that you are talking with. If you are feeling nervous before a Networking Event or a one-to-one, why not take a few moments before entering the room to buzz yourself up. Maybe listen to some motivational music to help change your state, something that makes you come alive, or take some grounding deep breaths and envision yourself shining. Remember, you’ve got this!
  4. Check your posture. The way you position yourself physically and emotionally will speak volumes to whomever you are interacting with. Are you someone who is often apologising for things that are beyond your control? Are you (unintentionally or otherwise) dumbing down the value of what you have to offer? Why? Do you believe what you have to offer is of value? Do you believe you can deliver? Have you already mentally decided that this potential client will reject you before you’ve even invited them to meet with you? Is your body language communicating feelings of self-doubt/ insecurity or of assuring confidence? Working on your mindset and your emotional posture here is key. I’ve listed some books below that may help you build your self-belief and confidence.

Once you’ve invited your potential client to meet with you again, confirm the time and their commitment there and then, rather than leaving things open and in their hands. The chances are if you do the latter, the energy of your initial meet-up will be lost. If they’ve told you that they’d like to see you again, confirm the date and the time and add it to your diary immediately, so that they see you are serious and committed. Ask for their permission to contact them the day before and confirm they are still able to meet. Take their number in order that you can do this. If someone has said they will pass your details on to someone they know, ask them when they are next seeing that person. If they say Wednesday, for example, ask if it would be ok to contact them on Wednesday afternoon to find out how the third party responded and what the next steps might be. Again, make a note of the date and deliver on your commitments.

I hope that these tips help you to feel more confident about approaching your sales and marketing. Look out for the second half of this blog in October!

Further reading (in no particular order)

  • Drop the Pink Elephant: 15 ways to say what you mean…and mean what you say – Bill McFarlan
  • Booked – Josh Turner
  • Awaken the Giant Within: How to take immediate control of your mental, physical, emotional and financial destiny – Anthony Robins
  • Playing Big: Find your voice, your mission and make things happen – Tara Mohr
  • Purple Cow – Seth Godin
  • The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People – Stephen R. Covey

Fresh out of University, Charlotte founded a social enterprise in 2005 and was a workshop facilitator for 10 years, running projects in the UK and internationally to foster the empowerment of marginalized communities. She later studied Midwifery with the intention of becoming an Independent Midwife before her final pivot in 2016 when she became a Doula. Charlotte understands that fostering women’s empowerment includes enabling financial independence and has, throughout 15 years of self-employment, taken a keen interest in educating herself and mentoring others on how to achieve this.  Charlotte offers Birth and Postnatal Doula services in Hampshire and has recently joined the team of Doula Mentors for Nurturing Birth. 

Can we be doulas and birth activists?

By Emma Ashworth, Nurturing Birth doula

Why are you a doula (or want to be a doula)? At the heart and soul of it, we passionately want women and people to have incredible, empowering, beautiful births, right? And because we see when that’s not happening and we want it to stop! For many of us this leads us down the path of activism – which is what this blog is all about. Can you be a birth activist and a doula?

You might wonder why not… indeed, many amazing doulas are also extraordinary birth activists. Birth activism changes the birth world for the better – as do doulas – so in a way, every act of doulaing is an act of birth activism. However, there are some parts of being a birth activist which need to be kept quite separate from being a doula.

Being a doula means that we support the pregnant woman or person who is our client, and, if they want us to, their family (eg partner, children). We are there to help that woman or person to find their way through the maze of maternity care. We are not there to guide them through it. We are there to show them what doors are available, support them in their decision about which door is right for them, and then walk with them through those doors. We don’t tell them which door to take.

Sometimes we may see injustice and as doulas who care so deeply for our doula clients we want to fix it. Right now, we are seeing deep injustice, and in some cases real trauma, from Covid-related hospital rules which are limiting access to hospital for partners and other supporters (including doulas). As has been pointed out in a recent social media campaign, if we can go to the pub, why can’t we have the person we want with us at an antenatal scan? As birth campaigner Ruth Weston points out in her excellent blog, some pregnant women and people find out at a routine that their baby died. Not only is hearing this alone a horrific experience for the pregnant woman or person, the other parent has to hear it over the phone, or second hand in the car park.

Here’s the thing. Here’s where it is absolutely imperative that we are completely clear about separating out being a doula and being a birth activist.

Our client may be really upset at the idea that they may have to attend an appointment alone, or be alone through much of their labour if they birth outside the home, or be alone on the postnatal ward. They may be able to have one birth partner there, but not two, and this might mean that they have to choose between their doula (you) and their partner. This feels wrong. This is wrong. So what do you do?

It may feel obvious that the right answer is to get on the phone, or send emails to a senior midwife, telling them how anxious this situation is making your doula client. Perhaps you might go through the details of your doula client’s specific case. Maybe she had a miscarriage last year that she only found out about at her 12 week scan. Maybe they are wanting to talk to a doctor about having a caesarean and they are worried about it being denied. Isn’t it our job to fix it?

No!

This is tricky stuff, and of course your doula mentor would be an amazing person to talk to about the complexities of the boundaries of a doula, however here is a starting point to this hugely important area.

One of the most important roles of the doula is to work with our doula clients to help them to achieve the pregnancy, birth and parenthood experiences that they want. Here’s the key words:

“to help them to achieve”

There are two big risks of “fixing” things for doula clients

  1. We can, inadvertently, take away from our doula clients’ own power.
  2. We can, inadvertently, do things for our doula clients that they didn’t actually want to happen.

When we see things which are wrong in the maternity system, it is absolutely fine to work towards fixing them. If we see guidelines, protocols or limitations of care which are unfair, unreasonable or unkind then fight against them with all of your power, if you wish to. Just do it as you, as a birth activist, rather than trying to do it on behalf of your client. It’s fine to say, “I know local women who this policy is affecting very seriously”. This is powerful and desperately needed work. You can absolutely be a birth activist and a doula.

What we have to be extremely careful to avoid, though, is trying to fix things ourselves, for our individual doula clients, when we see injustice happening. Instead, we are better focusing on what we can do to support our clients to make the changes that they want to see for themselves, so that they remain in control of their decisions  and we don’t accidentally push for something that they’re not totally ready for. This means that our doula clients are the ones who are deciding which doors to walk through, and this is how they work with and build on their own power and strength.

There is huge benefit in large numbers of people campaigning on a specific issue, so many pregnant women and people feeding back to the trust and pressing for change is the most likely way that things will improve. But the only people who can do this are those who are wanting to do so. As with all options around pregnancy and birth, we, as doulas, can ensure that our doula clients know that this ‘door’ is there, but, like everything else, it we must show them this option with no pressure, no judgement and with no attempt to encourage them through it, but if they decide to open it themselves then we can step through it together with them, if they want us to.

Birth activism becomes a heart-need for many, and activism in the birth world is essential for change. We can campaign for change as we see the need, and yet ensure that we keep our doula work separate, carefully ensuring that we support our clients to achieve what they want, not what we want to see done better.

Emma is a Nurturing Birth doula, and manages the Nurturing Birth blog. She is also a breastfeeding counsellor, birth researcher and writer and a birth activist with AIMS.

Black Lives Matter. Black Maternal Health Matters.

Simone Dyer photo

By Simone Dyer, Nurturing Birth Doula

Black Lives Matter. Black Maternal Health Matters. These realities are both so close to my heart, firstly as a black/mixed woman myself and secondly as a Doula.

Take a deep breath.

After the horrifying murder of George Floyd in the US, the voices, the anguish and the exhaustion of the black community have echoed loudly across the world and cannot be ignored. What has been encouraging to see is that many non-black people have also used their voices and platforms in support. Growth is, of course, to be celebrated but I want to also be clear that we have barely scratched the surface. This is not a sprint, it is a MARATHON! Now you may be wondering how this is relevant to birth work. I’ll do my best to briefly explain.

Racism within the medical world is prevalent and therefore has a very direct effect on birth work. There has been much research (please refer to MBRRACE UK Reports) to show that maternal death rates are higher in black women. Black women are in fact 5 TIMES MORE AT RISK of death during pregnancy, childbirth or in the early postpartum period in the UK than white women, in the US the numbers are even greater. I don’t know about you but that weighs so heavy on my heart.

Whilst there may be little evidence on paper by way of reports from official bodies as to the exact reasons why, there is, vast evidence in front of our eyes, in the way black mothers and birthing people are treated and listened to throughout pregnancy, childbirth and postpartum. As a black community, for hundreds of years, we have carried, birthed and nurtured babies through such deep trauma, abuse and oppression and that resides in our DNA, whether we are even conscious of it or not. Whilst we are a beautiful people of great strength and determination, this means that black birthing people are still more vulnerable, physiologically, mentally and emotionally. We are hearing harrowing stories of racism, microaggressions, incorrect diagnosis, wrong doses of medication being administered, discrimination and black birthing people being put at risk during pregnancy and postpartum and sadly, the list goes on. We are far too regularly witnessing and hearing of them receiving substandard care in comparison to their white counterparts.

Culturally, for many years, there has been an idea and label of ‘the strong black woman’ and YES we are strong, we have had to be to survive, even when we didn’t feel that way, however, NEWSFLASH!! We are also soft. We cry. We need nurture just the same because we DO feel pain and our blood bleeds red too. This is a label that is a struggle to rise beyond within our community, one that is also made considerably harder as it is continuously perpetuated and reinforced in society and in particular, by some medical professionals. This has to change. The white woman’s body and experience should no longer be centered as the “Normal”. We cannot keep being traumatised and dying because we were not listened to. It may sound harsh to some but it is nothing but raw truth. This is the reality that the black community faces every day all over the world. When a black birthing person is dead it’s too late, families are affected forever and the trauma runs deeper. How long we will stand by and watch basic human rights be neglected and disregarded because of skin colour and cultural differences. Who does that make us? Who do we really want to be as people that have chosen to support black birthing people and families?

Take a moment. Take a deep breath. Take it all in…

I really want to highlight that pity and sympathy are not what is needed here, those expressions are not progressive for change or upliftment, however, active listening, understanding and compassion are expressions that will better support the black community. The most important thing we can do is take ACTION in whichever ways we can, big or small, the measure is not what is important here but it is the heart and intentions that fuel our efforts and actions that count.

Below are a few offerings on some possibilities of ACTION. Please, of course, do your own research and feel into what feels right and authentic to you, I do not have all the answers but I do want to encourage us towards more regular self-inquiry, honest observation and free-thinking. Not everybody is called to be an activist shouting from the rooftops and marching in protest and that is ok. The conversations and micro-actions we can have in our day to day worlds are so valuable too and will all feed into the macro, the bigger picture of the transformation and journey to racial equality and freedom that is long overdue. We can sew and scatter seeds of love and life in so many ways.

Self Enquiry & Awareness ~ Make a conscious effort to really see what is happening in the world around you and take an even closer look at the world your in as a birth worker. Take time to reflect on experiences you’ve had, seen and heard about with black families. Consider ways you may have even contributed to racism or discrimination in and outside of the birth world. Observe, practise self-awareness and offer yourself forgiveness and make choices to do better going forward. This is not about guilt in any way, we all have flaws and imperfections, our power lies in our ability to be honest with self so that we can move forward with more conscious intention and awareness.

Educate ~ Make the time to educate yourself on black history as well as what is currently going on in and outside of the birth world. It’s not about knowing it all but having some understanding will only better support us in supporting black families and watching out for the signs of discrimination and substandard care.

Here are some great resources as a place to start

blackhistorystudies.com

IG: @blackhistorystudies

blackbreastfeedingweek.com

IG: @blkbfingweek

makechangebook.com

IG: @shaunking

Mrimhotep.org

IG: mister_imhotep

Books

Killing the Black Body by Dorothy Roberts

Birthing Justice by Julia Chinyere Oparah

Women of Color by Jennifer Nelson

Birth Work as Care Work by Alana Apfel

Call it out ~ Do not be afraid to speak up and call out racism, discrimination, microaggressions and anything else that is oppressive and/or harmful to the black community, again in and outside of the birth world. If we speak up on the outside of the birth world and call it as we see it, it will become more and more natural to call it out as a birth worker. The more we live in truth and make each other accountable, leading with love, the greater chance we have at seeing a new future where the black community are seen and treated equally to that of non-black communities.

In my opinion, there is so much space for us to use our common sense as we hold space for black mothers & birthing people. As recently highlighted in a Nurturing Birth newsletter, listening and building rapport is a vital part of the doula-mother connection. So here is my invitation to us all, from my heart ~

Please do your part in whatever way you can, especially to all NON-black birth workers, please take the time to research and educate yourselves about the history of the black community so that you are better equipped to hold space. Get even more present. Listen to your clients and families with a new ear and with clearer vision. Listen from your heart with a new understanding from the education you have taken time to seek for yourself because you care. It takes putting aside excuses, ignorance and egos. It is the coming together of each of us, doing our part that makes for a greater future where black people are seen, heard, felt and treated as a human with rights. A future where black lives really do matter and no longer has to be just a hashtag…

Breathe in Love, Breathe out Love…

In loving service,

Simone xxx

What joining a Nurturing Birth course FEELS like

Sam Sheppard

This post is written by Sam Sheppard, Nurturing Birth Facilitator

“Sophie, at each course, spoke about what we tell ourselves and what we can let go of.  It gave much thought to all, including me.”  

I’ve been thinking a lot recently … don’t panic, I didn’t hurt myself!  Over the last few months I’ve been super lucky to have been co-facilitating the Distance Doula Course with Sophie and I’ve really enjoyed it.  No, actually I’ve loved it.  I’ve loved the new excited faces at the start of their journey. I’ve loved seeing women connect, connect in ways I wasn’t totally sure I’d witness to the extent that we did, over Zoom… I’ve loved seeing and feeling the excitement, passion, nerves – the overflowing emotional moments unfolding as the doulas bloomed and realised not only could they do it, but that they had been doing it over the week.  They were doulas!

Now the beauty of these courses, like with the birthing women or people that we support, is that not only did they feel like they were learning and experiencing new things, but I did too. I learnt so much.  Watching the invigorating conversations, the questioning, the beliefs and support they all organically flowed with, the highs and lows of the week as everyone became more comfortable and trusting of their companions … Wow!  What a gift to behold.  The strength of community, of that village, never ceases to amaze me.  How it can raise and support, how it can nurture and challenge. All the while holding that sacred safe space.  It’s truly inspiring and it’s given me so much joy I can’t quite describe it. 

I’ve also loved the transitions. The transition from “Hmmmm can I even do the course” to “Ooh crikey I can actually do this“.  There’s a gentle, sometimes rapid, unravelling of thoughts and long-held beliefs.  It’s amazing what we can tell ourselves, and it’s also amazing how differently we can look to others. Sophie, at each course, spoke about what we tell ourselves and what we can let go of.  It gave much thought to all, including me.  

Now those that follow me know I’m pretty unapologetic about being me.  They also know I’m not one to follow the crowd and seem quite confident in my being.  But, I’ve held on to the belief that I can’t write and I can’t do podcasts … hmmm now I’m not about the “can’t”, so I’ve been looking at what this is about and where it came from, and have shifted into the “doing something about it” phase.  So, here’s the first tick (yes, I’m smug – I even put my hand up to offer to write one of the weekly emails for Sophie over the holidays…I did panic a bit). The next tick is a podcast I’m guesting on this week. Don’t ask me what I’m talking about yet.  Small steps, right?

The reason for my rambling is that we never stop learning, growing, reflecting or adapting.  Life is always shifting – it has to. We never arrive.  We never get there.  Once we’re there another target comes to light, another feeling needs exploring, another trigger needs addressing, our bodies need more/less rest, a change in food, a challenge that takes action, something else needs reflection, or a change in perspective maybe.  It’s all about the journey, right?

So what journey are you on and how’s it looking? 
Much love
Sam
x

 

Racism and the maternity world

This week we saw, yet again, that racism is alive and well in the world.  Many of us watched or heard of the senseless killing of a man at the hands of another.  It was shocking and deeply upsetting.  It was also not an isolated incident. 

How does this relate to doulas and maternity?  Sadly, far too closely.  In 2018 the MBRRACE report was released which showed that 5 times as many black women died in childbirth and the perinatal period as white women.  These statistics are current, not historical.  Something is seriously wrong in our culture, behaviour and attitudes that this is the truth of the situation.  In the vast majority of stories I have come across black women report not being heard, not being respected and certainly not being supported.  Support, respect and listening are values that we hold dear at Nurturing Birth.  So, how can we support what appears to be an inherently racist society to shift and change?  How can we make birth better for BAME people?  

I was shown a powerful image on a training course which showed the difference between equality and equity.  Both are about promoting fairness, equality being focussed on giving everyone equal rights.  Equity looks at what someone has to start with, recognises unfair advantage and seeks to give people what they need in order to have the same opportunities.  How can we create equity in the maternity world?  How can we make sure that those in the BAME communities are being treated in the same way as their white counterparts?  

Kemi Johnson, a black British midwife wrote today

“Be anti-racist.  Being appalled isn’t enough.  Educate, collaborate and spend/share your resources in ways that reverse the impact of a whole world being anti-black. Let’s be united in pro-love.  It’s time to create a new way of living – a new way of being.  It’s time”

We recognise that there is so much to learn and consider so we will continue to do the work.  It is likely we won’t get things entirely right, so apologies for that.  Our intention is for Nurturing Birth to be an inclusive, anti-racist community and course provider.  We welcome your support and recommendations.  For now, here are a few resources we have found really useful in our learning if you want to join us on the journey.  

Nova Reid is a Diversity and Anti-Racism Campaigner – she offers courses, a podcast and is a keynote speaker, including TedX.

Trudi Lebron is an Impact Coach who talks about Equity, Diversity and Race in the Coaching Industry 

Candice Braithwaite is Presenter, Writer and Founder of MakeMotherhoodDiverse and has had her book I Am Not Your Babymother published this month.

Why I am No Longer Talking to White People About Race is Reni Eddo-Lodge’s book – UK Journalist and Author.

Duped as a Digital Doula

Nikki Barrow describes her experience with a ‘client’ who made up a traumatic birth and baby loss.

WORKING WITH CLIENTS ONLINE, ARE YOU REALLY READY? AND ARE YOU SAFE?

Some subjects within this post may be triggering – related to mental health and baby loss.

Due to the Covid19 pandemic it’s now become a necessity to offer Birth Work support ‘virtually’. What a learning curve it has been for those of us that have never worked in this way! What actually is ‘Zoom’? This change has been thrust upon us and as a result, setting it up may have been done in rather a hurry? For those of you who aren’t yet offering this way of working you most likely will want to soon! Our potential clients/students will now expect us to work in this way even after ‘lockdown’ has come to an end. So how do you navigate all this as a lone worker in the online world?

My experience

My first ‘digital’ experience was with a ‘hoaxer’ – a woman who faked her pregnancy and birth with me, over the phone and then ongoing into hours of video/text/phone support.

I was contacted initially by text, by a woman who was 34 weeks pregnant and looking for antenatal and emotional support via text and phone, up until the birth of her baby. She told me she was looking for text/phone support in order to answer basic questions she might have during the final weeks of her pregnancy. She was a first-time single mum-to-be, with hardly any friends, and her boyfriend/one night stand was still over in New Zealand where she had met him.

On day 2 we had some more contact via text and phone – she sent me some of her photography work to look at. It looked great…and I was thinking that we could definitely work towards a skill swap for my support. I continued to type up a contract for support. Day 3, I got a call from her to say that her waters had gone, and she was going into labour early. She immediately asked if she could scrap our original plan and would I be available to support her that evening during her labour – using the Digital/Virtual Doula Package I had listed on my website. At that time, my fees were completely different – and way too low…anyhow, verbal agreement was given.

I felt under pressure to agree there and then, she sounded anxious and distressed – vulnerable…..I agreed to be there for her on the phone. She said: “Tell me you won’t leave me! tell me you’ll be there for me tonight – i need you, I am totally unprepared”. So obviously, there was little time to put together a contract of any sort as she needed help from that very moment. After I agreed, I told her she should probably get her bag organised and get to the hospital….So at around 7pm, before I knew it, I was with her on the phone, involved in her labour, in this ‘virtual’ capacity.

The support I gave: Regardless of the fact that this woman faked her pregnancy and birth, I helped support her with breathing techniques over the phone, helped suggest different positions to labour in, helped with ideas on what to eat and reminded her to stay hydrated. I assisted with emotional decisions – such as when to ask her parents to leave her, and to go home, also talking through what clothes she felt most comfortable while birthing. I felt as though I may as well have been in the birth room with her.

In the morning I texted her to see how she was. She said that at 2am she had given birth to a boy – she was gushing about the support I had given her….She then told me that the baby wasn’t very well though. She said that he had been taken moments after birth to Great Ormond Street as he had a bad bleed on the brain and his lungs weren’t working properly. She didn’t seem at all worried, but was off to see him soon. I told her I would check in in a few days to see how she and baby were doing….I was left feeling worried.

That afternoon she then texted me to ask if I would be up for supporting her postnatally as she felt she would need help. Money was tight ….but given the fact her baby was so ill, and, after going through her birth with her….I told her to just message or call me if she needed to.…I then went on to support her everyday for hours per day, usually in the evenings when I was trying to get dinner for my children, with her plugged into my headphones so I still had my hands free to do things in the kitchen…over the course of hours it felt like I was entwined in this woman’s life.

Her baby was very ill, it was unlikely he was going to make it. He was supported to come home with regular care visits in place. There were lots of dramatic event that occured over the following weeks – her Dad died of a heart attack, she had a big bleed, and fainted…I was intimately involved in messaging with her concerned mother as well (text) and also her brother (again via text).

Her video calls with me were always in the evening, after her baby had fed. He didn’t move much as his condition ‘maple syrup syndrome’, plus other conditions with his heart and lungs, meant that he was sedated.

After supporting her for around 8 weeks, there were 2 nights she felt it might be her baby’s last night….I braced myself for this event as I knew it would be hard to go through….on the 3rd night, her baby passed away. We lit a candle for him. I cried.

I then gradually tried to pull away slowly. She had a ‘crisis team’ involved, social workers etc….all of which were poised for her committing suicide. I needed to let go as I was exhausted by this point.

Anyway….to cut the story there…she was ‘discovered’ after making lots of other enquiries in my area …She had been dealing with two other doulas at the same time as me. All different tragic scenarios, all involving baby loss.

There are, as you can imagine, lots of emotions that you go through after finding out that this was all a lie…..

The enquiries received by other doulas from this particular hoaxer date back as far as the past four to five years, usually under different names.

My own experience with her is so complex. I spent hours on video chat with her. I cried with her when she was crying. I lifted her up when she was down. I texted with her most days for weeks, and spoke on the phone for sometimes 3-4 hours a day. I was totally engulfed in her story. Unfortunately with such clever concealment of her identity, numerous personas (my dealings with her brother and mother were all in fact HER), Social Media accounts, numbers, and email addresses, it’s almost impossible to locate her, and get her the real help and support she needs.

This woman had a huge impact on my life, and my family life… I have learned the hard way, and I will not support any client in this way in the future, without confirming ID, and a contract being signed. I hope that by raising awareness we will all be more vigilant in the future.

Keeping yourself safe

I cover more of this in my training sessions (see below), but some important factors are:

  • · limit your initial contact
  • · move to video chat asap! collect some ID
  • · make sure they look pregnant
  • · if supporting postnatally – make sure you see a baby, and that the baby is awake

Things to think about when creating your own online offering

  • 1. Consider how you might offer your client reassurance in who they are dealing with – what would build confidence in your interactions with them?
  • 2. How will you feel confident in who you are speaking with? will you ask them for ID?
  • 3. How will you progress further? Ask for a video chat? or for an agreement / contract to be signed and fee received before going ahead?
  • 4. How will you deal with someone who is in emotional distress from the start of your contact with them?
  • 5. Do you have relevant helpline numbers and other signposting support to offer to them?
  • 6. Do you have your T’s and C’s clearly stated on your website/accounts etc?
  • 7. What level of support are you comfortable to offer?

Of course, there is never going to be a completely foolproof way of confirming identity, however, hopefully by having clear boundaries and measures in place, you will only attract genuine clients. I know it’s inconceivable to think you could be duped – however unfortunately there is a high probablility that you might receive some fake enquiries now that there is so much online support being offered. These individuals are unfortunately craving the attention of anyone that will listen.

As a final point, please PLEASE check out who you become friends with on Social Media…it’s recently been discovered that my hoaxer was friends with over 200 Birthworkers….they had all become friends with her because she had been clever enough in building a great profile a while ago, befriending Birthworkers, and then those Birthworkers over the years allowing her as a friend, purely because they saw that she had ‘ 53 mutual friends’ for example….when you actually visit that profile now, it’s very sparse looking, with little info and a stock photo. So, please, don’t just accept people as a friend or follower, until you have visited their profiles and checked out their company websites etc.

I am now offering training sessions (online based) which cover key practical steps on how you can stay safe when working online as a birth worker. I have also set up a support group on Facebook to help support those dealing with difficult enquiries.

Thank you for reading and stay safe online

Doula Love xx