Nurturing Birth

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…here to nurture, inform and empower doulas and families

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About Doulaing

Why did I become a Doula?

By Michelle Every

Michelle's photo, Michelle is a whit woman with grey-brown hair. She's wearing a blue puffa jacket and standing in fields

The answer to this question is simple. I became a Doula because people who knew me asked me to be present and support them at the births of their children.

At this time I lived in Mid Wales and was privileged to have a job which was predominantly connecting and supporting the local community. I had space and time to spend with people and found myself being invited into their homes and lives. This led to being asked into their pregnancy, birth and post natal stories.

When I reflect back to this time there are four significant experiences that shaped my journey into becoming a Doula as a full time job.

When I was pregnant with my fifth child, a friend of mine at the parent and toddler group we attended shared with me that she was having a miscarriage. We connected and I offered her support. A couple of weeks later she found me and shared her news that she had a baby still growing in her womb. She had been expecting twins. We kept in close contact throughout her pregnancy and as the time for the birth drew closer she asked if I would be willing to drive her to the hospital for the birth as her partner worked away. The hospital was an hour away and on this journey we had such fun. This was her 5th child and she was confident in how she wanted to birth. Her challenge was trust. She found trusting strangers difficult, so I was invited to be present to help her to let go and to trust her body.

I was astonished to see what a difference my presence made to this woman. I sat in the birth room. She didn’t want me to talk, to touch her or do anything. Yet she said afterwards that just knowing I was there was all she needed. Wow. This impacted me deeply.

The second experience that impacted my journey into being a Doula was the birth of my 5th baby. I share about Arthur’s birth often as he was born when I was 20 weeks pregnant and his life and death has impacted who I am deeply. Giving birth to a baby who is not “viable” impacted my world in a way that is difficult to describe. When I became a Doula I knew I wanted to support others who experienced miscarriage, stillbirth and infant death. As the years passed I also became passionate in equipping other Doulas to offer the same service so I created and facilitate Supporting Every Birth – a workshop exploring supporting loss.

The third experience was supporting another lady in my local community just days after I had given birth to Arthur. This lady had experienced a miscarriage before her first son was born. I spent time with her son while she birthed her daughter in another room. I was not needed in the birth space this time. What she needed from me was to keep her son safe. Being part of this family’s story so close to my own loss was emotional for sure but one I am so glad I agreed to do. Their joy brought me joy.

The fourth experience happened once I moved to Greater Manchester. Again, I was asked to support a mum bringing her firstborn into the world. She had a long labour at home and my role was encouragement, laughter, service and companionship. The midwife attending the birth was the voice that changed my life – she asked me if I was a Doula. And if I was not that I should be as this was what I was doing.

“Doula? What is a Doula?” I asked.

Looking it up on Google I could not believe that what I had instinctively offered was, in actual fact, a job.

Two years later I was looking for a new job. I found Nurturing Birth and trained to be a Doula.

Reflecting back today on why I became a doula what I notice is how natural and easy the process was. I took each opportunity that came my way and trusted my instincts. I hope my story brings encouragement and confidence to others.

Nurturing Doulas – Nurturing Birth’s Retreat Days

Photograph of a tree and roots to represent grounding and growth of doulas during the Retreat.

Given that our company name is Nurturing Birth we often talk as a team about what it truly means to nurture.  It really saddens me when I see doulas caring for everyone but themselves!  There seems to be a belief that those in caring professions should put themselves last.  However, there are two expressions that really resonate for me:

The first is “Put your own oxygen mask on first”.  A lot of people argue that it is selfish to focus on yourself first, however I ask you how caring and helpful are you going to be without oxygen in your lungs?  

The second feels very doula-centric, given that we often spend time tea-drinking with our clients, listening to them and holding space.  “You cannot pour from an empty cup” makes sense – we need to fill our own cups before we can pour energy, heart and soul into the people and families we work with.  Our work is so vital and yet we often give so much of ourselves that we are left feeling depleted, exhausted and, if we are not careful, burnt out and resentful.  Over the years we have seen many doulas reach a point of burnout, so much so that they have stepped away from the role entirely, which is so sad. 

Back in 2019 we created our Retreat Days at Nurturing Birth because we recognised the need that so many doulas have for connection – with each other, but also with themselves.  Bringing doulas together to share, to have space for reflection, to be nourished, was so special and the feedback was incredibly positive. 

Our Retreat Days are designed for doulas and birth workers to replenish – to fill that cup – so that we leave feeling recharged, revitalised and ready to go back out there and support people in a way that we love.   

Recently, we have upgraded our Retreat Days with the aim of nourishing body, mind and spirit.  Having gone to our brilliant Nurturing Birth community and asked them what they wanted from a Retreat we have brought in collaborators and specialists so that we can weave together gentle movement sessions, relaxation, delicious food and opportunities for reflective work, all within lovely settings designed to leave you feeling calmer and more connected, both with yourself and other lovely doulas and birth keepers.  

Nurturing Birth’s focus goes beyond training doulas, to continue to provide spaces where doulas can be supported, be those virtual (at our weekly Virtual Cuppas or on our private Facebook group), one-to-one via mentoring sessions or in-person on Retreat Days and workshops.  The Retreat Days are a really special opportunity for us as a team to catch up with the lovely doulas we have sometimes never met in person.  They are a complete joy. 

To find out more about our Retreats and upcoming dates go to https://courses.nurturingbirth.co.uk/nurturing-birth-retreat

The Coach and the Cheerleader

Photo of Sophie Brigstocke. Sophie is a white woman with long, light brown hair and she's wearing a blue top.

By Sophie Brigstocke

How would you describe the work of a doula?  It’s a question we ask before the start of any doula course because there is still a lack of clarity for many people about what a doula actually is or does. 

Recently, I worked with a lovely group of yoga teachers and asked them to define what a doula does.  The words “cheerleader” and “coach” were a couple of the ideas that came back, and “gatekeeper” is another I’ve heard many times before now. 

I’ll be honest – I struggle with all of those definitions.

Why?  Because each of them tells me a story that doesn’t feel quite right.

The cheerleader conjures up images for me of relentlessly positive and smiley girls with pompoms attached to their arms doing backflips and chanting in unison.  They exist in brightly-lit spaces being watched by hundreds.  The image doesn’t resonate with those feelings of stillness, of being with one person in the darkness as they do the work of bringing their baby into the world.  I don’t need to draw attention to myself – the labouring person is the one doing the work – and my support is often really gentle, quiet, whispered.  Whilst I love to encourage, and despite how passionate I am about this work, it is about staying true to the client and being with them on their journey. 

The coach is an expert – tells us what to do and when to do it and often sits on a bit of a pedestal.  They are to be listened to and woe betide if you don’t do what they say.  You might incur wrath or punishment.  Doulaing is about encouraging a person’s inner-expert to come out, about helping someone to connect with their intuition and wisdom.  It is NEVER about what I want or pretending to be the expert.  I may have been in similar situations before but I cannot foresee how this particular one will play out, nor should I tell someone what to do.  I am there to encourage someone to make decisions that feel right for them.  So, I will ask appropriate questions (a bit like a mentor in a doula mentoring session) and support people in their choices, whatever they may be. 

The gatekeeper is a physical presence deciding who does and doesn’t pass through the hallowed portal.  A decision-maker with powers.  In the birth or postnatal context I’ve heard stories of doulas not allowing midwives into a room, preventing access of health providers to perinatal families.  This doesn’t sit comfortably with me at all.  I think it is often rooted in fear.  As a “protector of the bubble”, a phrase I use a lot on our courses, I am there to support everyone involved in a birth, to ensure that people feel heard and safe.  I can certainly encourage question-asking, asking for evidence and space/time to make informed decisions, but I will not be making those choices or speaking on behalf of someone, except in very rare circumstances. 

So, what terms do sit comfortably with me? 

Personally, I wish we were called Be-las rather than Do-ulas, especially as the etymology of the word doula comes from the Ancient Greek meaning “slave to women”.  The word that sits most comfortably with me is “guardian”.  For the duration of our support doulas are guardians of physiology, of consent, of the experience.  We walk the path with our clients, supporting them in their decision making, listening and validating.  And then, when the time is right, we step away. 

What terms feel right for you?  I’d love to know your thoughts!

My Doula Story: Lisa Sykes

Headshot of Lisa Sykes. Lisa is a white woman with shoulder length, wavy brown hair and black rimmed glasses.

Lisa Sykes joined Nurturing Birth’s doula training course facilitator team in September 2021. We’re delighted to share Lisa’s story of her journey to doulaing!

I am a trained birth and postnatal doula focused mostly on birth and offering postnatal support specifically for my birth clients.

I can’t actually remember exactly when I first heard about doulas! After the birth of my second and third baby, when I was lucky enough to be supported by the same midwife, I got really curious about supporting people during pregnancy and birth. I knew first hand just how incredible continuity of care could be.

Having informally supported friends and my sister during their pregnancy and birth, several people had suggested that I would “make a great midwife!” but it never really fully resonated with me. I think it was around this time that I discovered doulas through a pregnancy forum and started to dive into the different doula training options.

Before I was a doula I’d had a varied career path! I had worked primarily in the insurance industry as a systems developer and business analyst. I’d taken voluntary redundancy after 12 years and decided that this was my moment to look for more worthwhile employment where I could make a difference to people. I ended up working in a school as a data and assessment manager and this is where I met my husband, Keith. After the birth of our children Hebe and Sid, I decided it was time to dive fully into this new direction where I could not only make a difference to other people but do something that was deeply fulfilling to me as well.

I was at my sister’s birth a couple of years before I trained with Nurturing Birth. It was such a lesson in being present for someone who you are completely emotionally invested in, the challenge of walking beside them and of setting aside your own stories. The birth that she had planned and how things panned out was very different to what I had hoped for myself in the future. But this really didn’t matter because it wasn’t about me. It was about her, her husband and her baby.

My sister’s birth was a huge lesson in how different it is to support somebody that you are related to and very much connected to on a personal level, versus a doula client where there is an emotional investment, but also a distance that gives clarity and objectivity. It is so hard to find this distance when it’s your sister! I really felt like this gave me a deep insight and empathy for how it feels for the partner of the person giving birth or their chosen birth partners: maybe a parent, a sibling, a friend or another relative.

I became known as somebody who you could go to for information and support during pregnancy, due to my deep interest in the whole subject – in particular our rights during pregnancy, labour and birth. When people were told they weren’t ‘allowed’ to do something they would often be told to come and speak to me about it!

I also became deeply interested in breastfeeding, having had a varied experience of breastfeeding my three children. I volunteered at local breastfeeding support groups where I also met a dear friend and independent midwife who encouraged me to pursue all of these interests. I joined the Association of Breastfeeding Mothers and completed their Mother Supporter training before joining the Nurturing Birth doula course. I just became more and more interested in supporting new parents and it was all gathering momentum and heading towards the Nurturing Birth doula training.

It’s almost impossible to say what I love most about being a doula. I love connecting with people and this work gives me an opportunity to connect on so many different levels. I love the ‘a-ha moments’ for the families when we talk about how birth works. I love being able to engage the birth partners in a way that makes them feel confident about supporting their loved ones more effectively. I just love the feeling I get when I know that people have felt heard and seen. Feeling understood is so important, especially when we are in such a vulnerable place.

I think one of the most challenging things about being a doula is when you are asked “what would you do?” On the one hand it’s really clear and simple to me: It’s not relevant what I have done or what I would do. On the other hand it’s a question we are often asked and I can understand why. People can sometimes view their support as another ‘expert’ and so the challenge is to ensure that your clients know that they are the expert.  We are there to walk beside them while they tap into their own expertise.

I think another challenging part of being a doula is ensuring that the energy that you give out is balanced with receiving in the form of self-care. It’s been over 10 years for me now and I feel like I have got the balance right. However, in the beginning it can be a big challenge, figuring out your boundaries and making sure that you are prioritising yourself whilst taking care of others.

In the future I will be continuing to mentor doulas at all stages of their journey and offer them the kind of support that they are offering to other people. I absolutely love this work as it’s such a privilege to see doulas grow and evolve. I feel it deepens my understanding and learning of what it is to be a doula and improves my practice.

I’m also offering ‘Mother, Midlife and Menopause Mentoring’ as I stretch and expand into this mentoring work. I’m really looking forward to be able to support folks through these transitions from the deep mothering years, parenting teens and adults, midlife, menopause, empty nesting and all the transitions of self and relationships in between and beyond!

I am beyond thrilled to become part of the Nurturing Birth facilitating team. When I reflect back on the impact my Nurturing Birth course had on me all those years ago, in my sitting room in Yorkshire, I feel so grateful to be able to bring some of magic to other people.

A decade of supporting families in the UK and internationally in Switzerland, the UAE and France has given me such a wide view of birth and parenting culture. It’s the greatest ongoing lesson in in cultural literacy. Being a doula for me is a life-long adventure of learning and re-learning, listening and listening harder, stripping back and growing. I couldn’t be happier to look forward to what the next 10 years will bring!

Lisa is a Nurturing Birth mentor and doula training facilitator. She has worked as a doula in the UK, Switzerland and UAE, and currently in Paris. She is married to Keith and has three children, Emily, Hebe & Sid. Her website is www.LisaSykes.Online, and you can find her on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/LisaSykesDoula and Instagram @lisasykesonline

Doulas only support natural birth … and other myths

By Sophie Brigstocke

Photo of Sophie Brigstocke. Sophie is a white woman with long, light brown hair and she's wearing a blue top.

I had a conversation the other day with someone who really wants to be a doula, but she was doubting her ability because she ended up having a caesarean when her baby was born – not the birth she had planned.  She felt that somehow she wouldn’t qualify as a doula because she hadn’t had the perfect experience.  She had been sitting alone with this worry for a long while, which really saddens me because I know so many people who identify with this woman, including the me of many years ago.  
 
Despite best-laid plans, birth can deviate from the course we hope for. It isn’t something we can predict or foresee.  We can make the best plans and write our wishes/preferences, but on the day things can change, situations can arise and we may find ourselves with an experience different from what we envisaged.  

Are doulas just there for ‘natural’ births?
People often spread the myth that doulas “only support natural birth”.  However, I would like to challenge whether a doula would step away from a client in a situation that deviates from the natural plan?  I would hope not.  A doula is going to support a client to make informed decisions during the course of their pregnancy and birth experience.  Most importantly, if a client feels like an elective caesarean birth, or a highly medicalised route is the right course to take then the best-prepared doula is going to find the most effective ways to support the family through that experience, and most importantly do that without judgement.  
 
It’s no hidden secret that I love talking about the physiology of birth. I witnessed another conversation on social media this week of people who were surprised at how little knowledge there is amongst medical professionals about the way that our hormones affect our labour.  I want everyone to know about how oxytocin works and how we can optimise our labouring hormones because the human body is an extraordinary thing and it can make people feel super powerful.   However, I never pressure people to ‘do birth’ in a particular way.  Research tells us that the ’best’ birth, the one where the mother or birth parent feels satisfied with their experience, is one where they are involved in the decision-making.  They are owning their choices, whatever they may be and however far they may deviate from the original plan.  I’ve certainly seen some very empowered, strong women choosing caesarean births and feeling utterly positive about their experience.  
 
How our own birth experiences affect – or don’t – our ability to doula
As doulas, our own experiences, if we have had children, may well colour our thoughts and opinions. However, at the end of the day, our personal story has nothing to do with the person we are supporting.  Theirs is a unique body growing a unique baby.  Their particular dynamic will be different to any other pregnancy.  Reflecting and debriefing on our own experiences is an essential part of our doula courses so that we can go out and be clear and clean in our support. This means coming to terms with what happened for us and reaching a place of acceptance.  
 
So, if your own experiences have stopped you from stepping into doulaing until now then I invite you to pick up the phone (07305 044482) or ping us an email and chat to us about it.  You may find, as I did, that your pregnancy and birth experience, while hugely personal to you and your family, has very little relevance when it comes to being with other families.  All your life experiences combined may give you immeasurable qualities that will serve you brilliantly as a doula, but your individual story of birthing children can be put to one side.  Perhaps now is the time to reframe your experience and look at it in a different way? 

He Didn’t Get It (What is a doula?)

Photo of Sophie Brigstocke. Sophie is a white woman with long, light brown hair and she's wearing a blue top.

By Sophie Brigstocke

A couple of years ago I went to a party where I was asked by a stranger what I did for work.  When I replied that I was a doula the man looked baffled – he clearly hadn’t heard of doulas before.  When I attempted to explain my role to him he replied with the immortal comment,
 
“So, there are people out there who are willing to pay money for you to hold their hands while they give birth?”
 
Coincidentally, there was a midwife in on this conversation, someone he had known for a long time, who leapt to the defense of doulas.  It was amazing to hear her extolling the virtues and explaining just what a difference doula support can make to families in pregnancy, birth and beyond.  I’m not sure he was convinced, but it was incredibly rewarding to hear her words.  
 
Despite the role having existed for millennia, the word doula is still relatively new.  In the UK “doula” has only been used regularly since 2001, and the USA is only a decade or two ahead of us.  It poses a challenge for us as it means that a lot of people outside medical, health and pregnancy fields still don’t know what a doula is or does.  There is more awareness than when I started out, however it can feel like slow development at times.
 
Whilst we love focusing on the role of the doula and how we might support families in the perinatal period one of the things we want to spend time exploring during our courses is business set-up.  One of the challenges facing doulas when it comes to creating a business is thinking not only about how to attract potential clients, but also how to communicate who doulas are and what role they fulfil.  This week on our Virtual Cuppa (an online weekly support meeting for Nurturing Birth Graduates) we shared ideas around how to use social media to our advantage.  It certainly helps that more high-profile people are choosing to use doula support and talk publicly about the benefits on social media.  Most recently former Big Brother winner Kate Lawler has been sharing about her postnatal journey and how much her doula has changed her experience for the better.  It certainly helps us as we try to communicate the amazing work that doulas do – using testimonials and other people’s words can be far more persuasive than us standing up and telling people what we think they need!  
 
I love how Nurturing Birth doulas pull together to support each other – together we are stronger and it really shows.  Knowing that you have a community to support you as you step into self-employment and navigate the challenges of communicating what you do is essential.  Over the past couple of years so much more focus has gone into the support we offer doulas after they complete their course – from an active Facebook group, the weekly Virtual Cuppas, mentoring and additional courses and workshops.  We really pull the expertise in from all the doulas in our community – we all have our strengths and can learn so much from each other.  While some may be super confident networking, others have relevant experience to share about marketing – there is a richness in our conversations.  No one person has all the answers.  So many doulas share that the Virtual Cuppa is the highlight of their week, which is high praise indeed!  
 
Are you coming to join us on a doula course?  What questions do you have?  We are always available for conversations about the journey into being a doula and love supporting people from the very start, so do send us a message if you would like to speak to someone – just give us a telephone number and suitable times to call you back.