Nurturing Birth

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Michelle Every

When a baby dies

Photo of Michelle Every, Michelle smiling. She is standing with moorland behind her. her long hair down to her shoulders. She's wearing a teal padded jacket.

By Michelle Every

What do you say when someone – a doula client, a friend, a relative – tells you that they have experienced a miscarriage or stillbirth? Michelle Every offers some support, information and signposts.

When I trained to be a doula in 2007 I was astonished and saddened that supporting baby loss was not mentioned on my course. Then as I gained experience and connected deeper into the doula community I noticed that loss was not something that I saw being discussed. 

In 2014 I felt a strong conviction to change this so I created the Supporting Every Birth workshop. I wanted to create a safe space to explore loss with a focus on self-reflection and group participation and give time to consider where we are with our own grief being curious and honest with ourselves around our own views and opinions on loss

When talking to doulas about baby loss the two phrases I most often hear are “But what will I say?” or “I worry I will say the wrong thing.”

There is fear around the power of language.

What we do or do not say is not just relevant to supporting loss or supporting clients. It is relevant in every exchange we make in our everyday life. How we respond to what we hear can have a significant impact on the person sharing. Have we heard them or are we focusing too much on our own answers or our own story? How can we offer space, actively listen and resist the need to fix?

When I am considering my choice of words I keep the Nurturing Birth values of respect and compassion at the forefront of my mind. These values lay a great foundation when considering language, can shape my conversations and prevent me from saying something in anger or frustration.

Is what I am about to say respectful and compassionate?

Coming back to supporting loss, what do you say to someone who has discovered their baby has died during pregnancy? Or what can you say at a labour when the baby is born not breathing and has died?

I volunteered for the Miscarriage Association for fifteen years. When I answered the phone and listened to people share their own stories of loss I would hear how the countless times their family, colleagues and friends had said unhelpful things such as “Everything happens for a reason” or “Just move on.”

From my experience of facilitating loss support groups I am aware how a spoken phrase can bring much comfort to one person only to upset another. No one way works for all. It is good to remember that grief is a natural, unique and personal response to losing something important to us. As doulas we want to validate this uniqueness while acknowledging the challenge that this can bring to us personally. We are required to offer support in the moment and respond to what we see and hear rather than having a pre-planned and prepared response. 

Maybe we are beginning from the wrong place. Instead of starting at what we will or will not say it might be helpful to start with what can we be. How can we be our most authentic self and respond to the needs of the family we support? 

On the Nurturing Birth doula courses and within mentoring we talk about being rather than doing. Our skills are listening, holding space, being client led, responding to needs in the moment. We go to births with no guarantees or certainty and yet we go with confidence that our presence and commitment to the family will make a significant difference 

Is this any different when the baby does not survive?

We can create the same environment, listen with the same focus and respond in the same way. 

To be honest, and to give a little away from my workshop, not much changes in the support we offer in loss compared to supporting clients with live babies.

We simply doula.

The Miscarriage Association has created some excellent resources which come from supporting loss for many years, including this video -when you do not know what to say, simply say “I am sorry.”

How do you feel about supporting families through baby loss? Do you have concerns on what to say? I would love to welcome you on to the Supporting Every Birth workshop to explore the topic more. My desire is that every doula feels able to step into this role and offer support.

If you would like to talk to me more about the Supporting Every Birth workshop please get in touch – [email protected]

Trusting your instincts with Michelle Every

Photo of Michelle Every of Nurturing Birth doula training.

By Michelle Every,
Mentoring Coordinator and Supporting Every Birth facilitator

On the Nurturing Birth Doula course we talk about how to empower clients by creating a safe space for them to be able to let go of other people’s expectations and to listen to their own instincts on what feels right for them.

In reality, as I supported clients as a doula myself, I became aware of how often this concept of listening to ourselves was alien to them. They had read many books, and over the years as online support became more common, looked on the Internet and followed people on social media. But when asked the question “What feels right for you?” they were flummoxed. No-one had asked them this before. Some even said that they did not know that it was an option to have their own opinions on their own birth.

It was, and is, such a privilege and joy to journey alongside people and empower them to discover new tools and practices to uncover their instincts and desires.

Reflecting on my upbringing and childhood, I do not remember being asked to consider what I felt was right for me. I was taken to church. I was put in the nearest Infants School and then High School because I passed the 11-plus. We went on holidays that my parents chose (and I did love the swimming in the sea) and weekends were full of activities that I was taken along to. No-one asked how I felt or encouraged me to follow my own instincts.

And yet, even without this support my discernment grew – and maybe because of the lack of it in my childhood I became courageous in expressing it, and risked following it.

For example, when I was 20 I met 18 year old Iain and after hanging out for a day he asked me to marry him. And I said yes. This was certainly not the wisdom from my family or community, but I just knew what I knew. So we married a year later and we celebrate 30 years of marriage in 2021.

Trusting your instincts can bring joy for sure.

I could share so many stories of when Iain and I went against the flow and instead trusted our instincts and followed peace.

Helping others trust their instincts has become a passion for me. I delight in seeing people turning inward, creating space and silence to listen and then having the courage to trust what they feel and hear.

Having discernment certainly complements the work I do as a doula and mentor. Trusting my instincts has served me well.

I am aware that not everyone understands the phrase ‘trust your instincts’ and I find it hard to describe because for me it is a feeling in my soul rather than words in my head.

But I do know that it is something that can be practiced – like a muscle that stretches and grows in strength as we use it.

In discussions with clients, colleagues and friends I have discovered that some people are so busy, living with so much noise, that they do not know how to access their instincts. The idea of listening to the voice feels to some like stopping the fun. Others doubt their feelings can be trusted and fear the process of being still. And others have oodles of experience and practice of trusting their instincts and can access them at the drop of a hat.

As doulas we want our clients to trust their instincts. They have so many external voices advising them how to give birth, how to parent and what is best for them. What a gift we can give to create a space where they can sit still and listen to their own voice. We can encourage them to follow their own wisdom and heart’s desires. And yet, we are client led and if the client wants to follow what advice the midwife has given them, or what they have read we respect the decisions and support them equally to any other.

Many doulas are comfortable with empowering their clients and supporting them to trust their instincts, yet as a mentor what I see so often is doulas do not always create the same space for themselves.

How much time do we take to be still, to quieten our minds and listen to our inner voice? How often do we listen to our discernment when we are at interviews for potential new clients or interacting on social media?

I experience this knowing when I shut out external noise, opinions, advice and information. I can hear what feels right for me when I allow myself some space and silence. And I know it is my discernment and instinct when I am left with a deep sense of peace. 

You may find it helpful to ask yourself some of these questions:

– How often do you create space for yourself and how could you gift more time to yourself? 
– How do you still your mind and listen to what your heart’s desires are?  
– How do you make decisions and explore new opportunities? Do you tune into your discernment rather than looking outside yourself to external factors and influences? 
– What does it look like to you to be guided by inner peace? 

If you would like to explore some of these questions further why not sign up for one of our mentoring sessions? Email [email protected] to find out more.

About Michelle Every
Michelle is an experienced birth and postnatal doula based in Greater Manchester, having trained with Nurturing Birth in 2007. She has been involved in mentoring across a wide range of communities particularly in areas of doulaing, parenting, relationships, marriage and life/work balance.

Michelle is the writer and facilitator of Supporting Every Birth an interactive workshop for birth workers looking at supporting both clients and themselves through all birth journeys including baby loss.

Michelle is married to Iain and they have three daughters and two sons.

A reflection on mentoring

By Michelle Every

Nurturing Birth Head of Mentoring, Michelle Every, shares her thoughts as one of the doulas she is mentoring comes to the end of her Initial Mentoring Programme

Photo of Michelle Every. Michelle is a white woman with light brown, shoulder length hair. She's wearing a blue padded jacket and is standing in the countryside.

“Nearing the end of mentoring a doula through her Nurturing Birth 15 month Initial Mentoring Programme I have been reflecting on how our relationship has grown and changed over this time.

In the past I have mentored doulas and primarily focused on the births they attended.  With the new Nurturing Birth programme I have enjoyed and seen such benefit from a different approach to mentoring which balances debriefing experiences of supporting families with a greater focus on taking care of yourself, developing your business, networking and on-going learning.

As the mentor I have had sessions with the mentee where she shares her own goals and together we work a way forward that incorporates these.  The relationship has felt equal and empowering for us both.

Having our mentoring sessions every three months has given her space to work through the tasks set and to solve some of her own questions. It has been wonderful to see her confidence and her business grow.

In our last session we chatted about one of the tasks that had not been completed yet and it opened up a significant conversation that I truly believe would not have happened had we not invested in the mentoring relationship as we have.

I find it incredible that by simply providing a clear framework, laying out clear expectations and then providing unhurried time to listen, the mentee is then able to identify her own needs, flourish in her work and well-being, and establish healthy boundaries for the future.

Mentoring for me is an honour and a privilege. I am grateful that someone chooses to allow me access into their life and trusts me enough to share honestly.

I am looking forward to a continued mentoring relationship with this mentee as she completes this programme and then accesses the experienced one-off sessions in the future.”

We are so thrilled that the feedback we are getting from mentees is so overwhelmingly positive and find it so rewarding that this particular doula sees the value in continued mentoring and will keep coming back!

If you are interested in the Nurturing Birth mentoring programme then click here for more details.